The Celibate Life

I had late lunch at my mommy friends house last Wednesday. Our group is composed of married moms and we send our little kids to the same school since 2015. I haven't been visible lately and for that I had to make up with them. Chicken noodle soup, pancit canton and peanut butter sandwich were more than enough to fill us all. 

While we were happily eating one of the girls blurted that I am gaining a great deal of weight lately and that she thinks the reason is inactive sex life. Was she a psychic? How did she figure that out? I was not offended and I replied that she's damn right about it. What I did not expect was their reactions. The oldest in our group is around 55 while I am the youngest at 28. They could not believe my lust for intimacy fizzled out too early. Most even shared their lust level was at it's peak during this age. 

I don't feel uncomfortable talking about sex with them. They are all experienced and empowered women who know what they want and how to get it. One of them asked, how can you go on without it? I was even asked questions like what if you watch a lovemaking scene, don't you feel lonely or frustrated? I simply replied, No. I have gone frigid. The next remark I heard was, maybe you are just like a boring doll in bed that's why your husband had to look for someone else. For a while, I felt that I should be offended but I wasn't. These friends of mine are concern and they rather help you come to terms with your problem or find a solution for it.

It's been difficult for me at first, living celibate when my husband still lurks around the area where I eat, breath and sleep in. I tried my best ignoring my needs since we got married but when problem is that big how can one just forget? He is an alcoholic and a womanizer who finds comfort in the company of different women, hoes and average Joes alike. I always had a feeling that he had been used up already that's why whenever I try to seduce him for the deed, he would simply reject me. The hardest part, I always need to ask permission first before I can ride on him. It's like I'm the man and he is the woman in our sex life. No is No. I am not a nympho and I believe my normal hormones have a say in my rare to occasional mood swings in the past as well. 

A year had passed without anything. 

The first few months had been quite tough. I have become irritable with limited patience. On some occasions, I belittle myself saying I no longer look desirable, I'm fat and ugly or I look old already. I felt terrible. I did try to seduce him but to no avail. You can't force yourself to a faggot anyway. I started neglecting myself and felt so much hatred for him. He did this to me. 

One day, I promised myself that I will be contented again especially without that. I will live a celibate life. Since then I focused all my love, attention and devotion to my kids. Not a day goes by that I do not sleep beside Tyler or tend to Evo. I avoided all the romantic movies or racy scenes I would unexpectedly see until I could be able to not feel anything whenever these actors share a passionate kiss or coitus. Online shopping was also a good help. I would rather dress up myself than sulk and look like hell simply because there is something absent in my life. And I'm glad I did it.