Tonight, this Christmas, I made up my mind

My trip is Korea last November has been an eye opener for me. The experience showed me once again all the opportunities I passed up during my younger teen years. Last Wednesday, I had a one on one interview with Marie Lozano of ABSCBN for TV Patrol. I was dumbfounded when I saw her. I love her glamorous life and job; a celebrity reporter who interviews Hollywood A-listers every now and then. My new friends at Jeepney TV also inspired me to work in their office or simply just get back to having a full-time work. If only the daily commute to work in Metro Manila is not as stressful as breaking up with your husband  quite easy, I would have taken my chances and apply for any job with them right there and then. I would if I could, but something would always hold me back. Whenever I dream of my inevitable success at working in the corporate or mass media world something would always wake me up or pull me back to reality. My success is where my heart should be, and my heart says it should be where my kids are.

I have had my a taste of freedom during my short stay in Manila. I partied in the spirit of Christmas, hung-out with friends and even a shark who pretends to be my friend, enjoyed a me-time filled with spa, scrumptious brunch and dinner buffet, and lastly, ran errands for the father of my boys. I should feel thankful already. Those once in a while adventures should be enough, and I must not push further at getting freedom at the expense of losing my kids.

The issue at hand is that I am not earning much and has no clear career path compared to some peers my age. I feel bummed just thinking about how financially dependent I am when I should not be because I still have a chance. Tonight, after enjoying a good dinner out with my sister who just arrived from Davao City, Tepzie, my contemporary who now successful in the mass media and fashion styling industry asked me that if ever I need a job he could work things out for me in his studio. I am thankful and also overwhelmed. If I would take that chance, I will definitely earn more, enjoy my life more like a true millenial, but I will not see my kids as often or even at all. There is no in between. I cannot negotiate to see my kids every weekend once I decide to work in Manila during weekdays. It would be either I take them with me, which would be too difficult for us all, or I leave them for good with their dad is which is even though, tough for me, is something I might be able to tolerate for their own sake. Still, the point is, I can no longer see them once I pick the latter. Will I be able to live like that?

A friend told me that the fact that I still return to them every time I leave is because maybe that is where my heart truly is. My friend may be correct on that premise because I have been asking myself that question for almost 4 years now, and the answer always led me back to my family, to my kids.

My boys, Evo and TP are my life. I may not be much of a devoted mother but this I know, with the clock ticking and our time of being together as a complete, picture-perfect family fades into the abyss, I have not and could not abandon them for my own happiness or for my career. No more law school plans or working abroad or in the corporate world for now until my boys have grown up. So tonight, this Christmas, I made up my mind. I will stay and fulfill a purpose that was given to me the moment I gave birth to my precious sons; that I will be their mother and I will raise them right.