Hayaan mo akong mamuta... (A Womanizer's Poem)

Sa halimuyak mo ako'y wala ng gana..
Mga mata ko'y hindi na nahahalina
Ni ang haplusin ang makinis mo pigi,
O dampian ng halik ang iyong sabik na labi,

Hindi ko na magawa pa...

Lumipas na iyong ganda..
Buhat ng ika'y magbuhat ng bata
Bakit ba tayo'y nagpatali pa,
Sa simbaha'y nagpakasal at nanumpa..

Gayong ako'y makisig at batang-bata pa..

Sabi ng aking kaibigan sa esposo niyang seaman,
"Mahal, umuwi kang walang sakit, h'wag mo akong hahawahan."
Nakakainggit naman nais kong pamarisan
Sapagkat ang kabiyak ko ay lagi ako kung pigilan..

Tali lang ako sa batas, ang ibang babae saki'y walang ligtas..

Alak dito, puta doon; kembot pa dito at indayog
Namumukadkad ang mga hita, mga dibdib na anong kay lalambot..
Oh, magandang puta, itayo mo ang nanamlay na batuta ko
Lasapin ang pagsamyong papagod sa'yo...

Buhay ng aking asawa, sa'yo'y iaalay ko, pasayahin mo lang ako..

Lalaki ako at kagalang-galang sakin ang mamuta
Hindi ko kailangan ang permiso mo o pangungunsensya
Regalo ako ng Maykapal sa mga kababaihan,
Mapalad ka sa akin o misis magpakaylan man...


Iyak mo, Jo sakin ay walang epekto..
Nananawa na ako sa piling mo
Hayaan mo na lang na magpakasaya ako
Dahil pagdating ng umaga, sa'yo pa rin naman ang uwi ko...


(A synthesized poem depicting my husband's drinking and womanizing that drove me into a deep depression. Circa 2011-2012)

I don't nag. I write.

After losing all my respect to Fold, I realized that I may have another purpose in life aside from seeing to it that my children are in good shape....annoy him to death. It gives me solace seeing him furious, deteriorating, dying. He thinks he is suffering right now when it actually isn't enough to repay the damage he did to me. When I still love him, I held back on telling people what kind of hell I have been through with him. But not anymore. When I lost the last ounce of love I have had for fold, I also lost the need to protect him despite the fact that he remains the father of my children.

He left for Lucena City last Sunday so new room was empty. No fold. Then I felt sorry for my baby who was dripping wet with sweat. Summer heat was unforgiving that night so I texted my psychotic spouse that we need to transfer to the AC room. I packed and carried everything: milk, nappies, milk bottle, and TP. When we reached the room on the 2nd floor, it was locked. I made a serious effort to bring those things but he was so rude not to inform me that he had locked it. I went berserk. No more little nice girl. After getting back to the kids' playroom I sent him hate messages which obviously shook his core. I was crying while carelessly typing everything. It felt like I was shouting at the top of my lungs when I was actually just typing, blogging. I felt relieved afterwards. Though I did not nag, my provocative words sent the message loud and clear...I'm fed up of him.

I'm fed up of being used and abused. I'm fed up of being physically, emotionally, psychologically, mentally, financially, and socially tormented by him. It's been 10 long, agonizing years that I have put up with a douche bag named fold. I wasted my youth, career, love, life to an undeserving faggot who believes true love should be reciprocated by alcoholism, violence, womanizing, and abusive behavior. Disrespect it the road to ruin.

I am what you made me. This is the outcome of the years of emotional turmoil and psychological battery you caused me. My breathing will no longer be stifled, and this is my karmic relief. You deserve every karma that slaps you hard in the face, bitch. I loathe you, Fold with every air that I breathe. 

They took my son from me

I wasn't allowed to do many things when my estranged husband and I cohabited. I can't even play a friggin music to jam or dance. So many things I was never allowed to do because we lived with my in laws. Our marriage has been doomed since day 1 because of this. I love my father in law, but it's a different thing when family and married life is involved. My mother in law took my son from me despite knowing how attached we were to each other.

What people don't know

What you don't know won't hurt you but what you don't know also confuses you. When people know nothing, they fabricate, point fingers and judge.

For years, I had kept quiet regarding the complicated predicament I am deeply tangled in. I am not an open book. I don't need to explain myself to everyone who tries to ask. I believe they are either feigning to sound concern but deep down they just want to gossip or judge.

"You wouldn't last a minute in my shoes." 

That statement resounds in my mind every time I think about how I was able to put up with such an abusive relationship.

I used to be a passionate, optimistic and very much driven to achieve my goals and dreams. I always wanted to be a national TV news anchor who eventually become a lawyer in time. I was ambitious but never an opportunist. Then I met him. He was disguised as a humble, funny, and intelligent gentleman who devoted his time for me. He is from an affluent family and was fond of showing off. After months of courtship, I fell in love.

Abuse started as early as our second year. When I told him I wanted to take up Law, he knocked me down saying, "Hindi ka naman ganon katalino bakit ka maglalaw school?" or "We will break up if you leave for law school." Being in love, I gave up everything for him while he on the other hands just used me to feed his ego and insecurities.

Fast forward to me getting knocked up on our 4th year together. One fine afternoon, he opened up to me how much he wanted to give his parents a grandchild since they are both senior citizens now. He was a bum which irritates his mother and younger sister so the escape goat he sees is giving them an apo. I was surprised but ignorant. I didn't take care of myself so 5 months later, I got pregnant. I wasn't ready but I prepared myself for motherhood when we found out I was pregnant. I do love Tope yet I was scared because he is not the type who takes huge responsibilities while I on the other hand do not earn enough. They agreed that we will get married. The catch? Julianne, his law student sister made Tope promise that we are to sign an ante nuptial agreement.

I didn't know how to respond. I sacrificed my life, career, everything for his brother only to be treated this way? I am to become a mother, a house wife with no guarantee of any future. I handed my savings to Tope, a total of P110,000.00 to contribute for our wedding expenses when he should have shouldered everything, I was never extravagant. I never wanted fancy things yet I was devastated to know his sister really believed I was after their money. With a heavy heart and uncertain future, I signed it.

Written is Conjugal Partnership of Gains agreement with specifications of separate agreements mostly. I am the losing party at this having nothing to bring in our married life. How can I contribute anything when I gave up my career for him? In this agreement, if Tope and I separate, we will only split our conjugal shares and fruits of our separate properties. However, based on our CPG documents, either of us too ill not benefit from the fruits of our periphernal possessions.

I could not believe someone could be so obsessed with their earthly possessions and money. Is $5-8M of savings in different banks and couple more millions of inherited real estate properties suffice enough to ruin a decent person's dignity?

Their actions awaken something in me. It made me indifferent, unsecured and persistent on working hard to earn for my future despite being married. Nalugmok ako.... Sa kabila ng lahat ng effort, gastos ko for these 2 siblings, ako pa pala ang mukhang pera. Napakamatapobre nila.....

Enemy at the Gates was my first love

I know people find it odd when a woman is really enthusiastic about war documentaries most especially the World War 2 sort. It has been decades past since the war ended and all the Allied powers, Soviets, the Germans have peacefully united now in a way. What really peaked my interest was a bit eccentric as well.

I used to have a grandpa who served as a scout during the WW2 here in the Philippines. He fought alongside the Americans against the feisty Japanese Imperial Army. He was 18 when he was drafted. I am not aware of any formal training he had since his part was mainly to construct airfields and trenches which were necessary during the war. He was one of those mighty individuals who constructed the Lipa Airbase based in Lipa, Batangas. According to my papa, while grandpa was busy flattening the ground along with his other co-workers, their names were taken by an American private. Their names were recorded and little did they know that they would become one of the war veterans once the war in the Pacific was over. I can't say if mamay did see some action but I know his contributions in the war was also notable. They were more involved in the strategics, laying out the plans, and preparations for the war. And I am proud of mamay for that.

What really peaked my interest was when I was 15 and busy skimming TV channels at home while on a school lunch break, I came across a certain movie at HBO. The scene was quite intense. A young male soldier was trapped behind a small steel cabinet in an abandoned factory because an unseen sniper patiently awaits to shoot him. The trapped soldier was covered with filth all over his face yet you can still see how incredibly defined his features were. He has the bluest eyes, beautiful lips, and incredulously most handsome face I have ever seen. He tried to retrieve his sniper gun by throwing a Swiss knife tied to a string so he can pull his gun to his hiding spot but to no avail. Before his gun could reach any further, the thin string was shot by his unseen death dealer. When all hope seemed lost for Mr. Handsome, my favorite actress from The Mummy & The Mummy Returns' Rachel Weisz came to help him. I think they were a couple. In the next scene, the two outsmarted their opponent by using shards of broken glasses to blind the sniper with the glasses' bright reflection buying the handsome soldier some time to shoot him back and escape. Just when the scenes get more and more interesting, I had to hurry back to school. I just took the title of the film so I can check when it will be played again in HBO. It's "Enemy at the Gates."

Imagine how ecstatic I was when I saw it's next airing schedule and I was able to watch the movie from start to finish! I know nothing about Stalingrad or how ruthless the Soviets were to their own soldiers, "No retreat. No surrender or you will die in your own fellow Soviet soldier's hands." Their insufficient arms and supplies didn't also go unnoticed. The movie was loosely based on the Russian hero Vassili Zaitsev. In the film, he was a young shepherd from the Yural mountains who was trained by his grandfather to shoot as a boy. I had been head over heels with Tanya (Rachel Weisz) and Vassili (Jude Law) love story. From the first day he had met her on board a train en route to Stalingrad, he has already fallen in love with her. With that impeccable beauty, who won't be? I loved how the film was able to balance the battle scenes, cat and mouse chase hunt and romance all at the same time. Tanya and Vassili's steamy love scene (albeit cut when shown in HBO) had been really unforgettable. The thrill of getting caught by their comrades while these 2 lovebirds were at it undeniably stirred the audience emotions as well. I saw the uncut version in 2010, 6 years after watching this movie first in 2004.

From then on, I realized how much I enjoy watching war movies either historically accurate or loosely based with a little or passionate romance added to it. This is just my favorite plot! I started reading books with subjects about World War 1 or World War 2 stories as well. I keep hoping too that someday they will turn one of my favorite book, The Man from St. Petersburg by Ken Follet into a motion picture as well. Of course no other person could portray its protagonist Feliks better than Jude Law as well. :)

Linkin Park was my high school hero!

While picking up our kids at prep school, I got a chance to chat with my guy classmate from grade school to high school. We both took a leave from law school to focus on our wee ones. He's still that funny and bubbly guy who's a good friend to everyone. We talked about the funniest and most unforgettable high school moments from gaming, booze, love teams or just them boys being boys. 

I kinda wondered why I didn't ever have any moment akin to that to which he bluntly replied, "Because you were a real life nerd since we're kids that's why you never had a love life back then. Hahaha!" 😋Ouchies. He went on to add, "Even in college, you were still a little nerdy that only the nerd ones would also pursue you." 😝 That's a little harsh but I'm not offended 'cause yes, I'm a nerd. In fact, I'm a proud nerd! 😁

I'm a proud nerd who's memorized every lyrics of my favorite rock band Linkin Park. I'm a proud nerd who didn't experience taming that raging teenage hormones similar to a cat in heat. I'm a proud nerd who would dump any suitor because none of them looked like Mike Shinoda or Jude Law (also because I find the idea of having a boyfriend in high school icky). I'm a proud nerd who believed in penpal writing. I'm a proud nerd who had her first 💔 because my Macedonian-Aussie penpal did not love me back. Yep, that was the high school me, and Linkin Park was always there for me. 

I actually have a song pick from their album for every mishap or happy moments I've had in my chaotic high school life. When papa punished me for refusing to attend their church service, I sang "Runaway" because at that time that's what I really wanted to do. Every time I get fed up of pleasing my parents who only see me as the family's black sheep despite my accomplishments, "Pushing me away", and "Breaking the Habit", comforted me. I remember repeatedly writing the lyrics of "Numb" from their Meteora album in my journal to deafen the sound of the skirmish-like homily at my parents' church while hot tears incessantly fall from my eyes. When I first felt infatuated at the tender age of 14, it was with an Engineering freshman, a guy who's 4 years older than me all because he was singing "In the End."😄 I never saw him again after our cotillion dance, 3 days after he sang M. Shinoda's rap part. 

I miss my old self - weird, reserved, full of teen angst, and just plain dorky. But who cares? I can still sing to the top of my lungs all the Linkin Park songs from my favorite album "Hybrid Theory." I'm a proud nerd who can rock Linkin Park songs like no one else can! 😉 BTW, I love Papercut, Numb, In the End, Breaking the Habit and Runaway. 

USS Indianapolis: Men of Courage - A tragic tale of heroism

USS Indiniapolis: Men of Courage tells the ill fated story of the heavy cruises of the same name. With World War 2 nearing it's end, USS Indiniapolis was secretly given a mission by the Admirals reporting directly to the President of the USA to deliver top secret package to Tinian, Guam alone. Unescorted by any US warship which could spot enemy submarines, USS Indiniapolis sailed to Tinian, Guam at full speed to deliver uranium and other parts of Little Boy, the atomic first dropped at Nagasaki, Japan which ultimately ended the war at the Pacific.

USS Indianapolis skipper, Capt. McVay, played by Nicolas Cage, when given the order has had a hunch that what they will deliver will change the course of the war at Pacific and pushed through. With 1,172 crew on board, the cruiser upon delivering the package at Tinian was still denied escorts before sailing to Leyte, Philippines to disembark its fresh Marines who will undergo training therein. 6 days prior to sailing towards its mission, USS Underhill, a light cruiser was also sunk in the same seas by an Imperial Japanses Navy (IJN) torpedo. This crucial information was also withheld by the higher Navy officers to McVay. To them, USS Indianapolis' end goal was to deliver safely the package. They believe that giving them escort would only attract enemy submarines to target them thus jeopardizing the whole mission.

While sailing en route to Leyte on the night of June 30, 1945, IJN sub spotted the heavy cruiser and fired 6 torpedoes with two of it hitting the cruiser underneath causing massive damage and death among the crew. McVay this time had followed protocols such as assess the damage, send out SSS or call for help, declare abandon ship, and assist the crew to leave premises before USS Indianapolis finally sinks. Within 12 minutes after being torpedoed, the cruiser met its fate at the bottom of the sea taking with it 300 men.

In the next scenes, the survivors including McVay endured hunger, thirst, hypothermia, salt water poisoning, infection of sustained injuries, and the worst of all, being eaten by sharks. McVay displayed courage and strength helping his crewmen and assuring them that help will soon arrive. He administered morphine to those severely injured, and shared with everyone their remaining rations of Spam. Of the 800 strong and alive men that jumped out the sea, only 301 survived after being rescued on their fifth day at sea. The saddest part is that, had the rescue arrived that same night after the cruiser was sunk, it is a great possibility that all of these 800 men could have survived. According to their US Naval history, such loss of life in USS Indianapolis had been the worse since after Pearl Harbor bombing in December 8, 1941.

What sucks even more is that despite the 3 distress calls received in Leyte no help arrived, The commanding officer dismissed even the captain's distress call believing the Japanese were just trying to lure them. Others simply explained there had been a miscommunication since USS Indianapolis journey was top secret. It had been by miracle that a plane doing a routine patrolling spotted hundreds of these men afloat in the open sea that the rescue finally arrived. What if no plane did a routine patrolling? All these brave souls could have perished with no news about the USS Indianapolis' tragic fate ever making it out in public.

With this tragedy finally surfacing on the newspapers, the Navy simply blamed the sinking of USS Indianiapolis as the fault of it's captain, McVay for failing to zigzag the cruiser which could have avoided the torpedo, and for failing to call abandon ship on time. The poor skipper who already endured so much in the open sea had been crucified and became their scapegoat just to cover up their inadequacies and poor decisions which had cost the life of hundreds of young men aboard the cruiser. McVay was court martialed, ridiculed, and harassed by the relatives of those who died aboard his commanding ship who relentlessly sent him hate letters and phone calls. Although his men strongly testified to his innocence, dedication, and courage to their survival, he was found guilty of hazarding the ship for failing to zigzag the night it sunk.

Bearing the guilt of his men's death for years, losing his wife Louise's to cancer, and still being harassed by both media and the casualties' relatives, McVay took his own life in early 1960's using his Navy issued pistol at his home in Connecticut. I found it sickening to the core that the real hero was stripped of his dignity by those imbeciles. One of his men even said, they should be building a monument for his heroism. To me, he is a hero not for faithfully carrying out his mission to deliver the atomic bomb's parts, but for standing up and selflessly helping his men when they were all just trying to survive out in the unforgiving and dangerous Philippine seas.

If it may be of any consolation, McVay was exonerated and cleared of any Naval record in 2000 in a bill passed by the US Senate and signed by then President Bill Clinton through the efforts of a young boy named Harvey Scott who researched and lobbied for McVay's innocence. The US government could have done that decades earlier, but refused to do so for they did not want to be blamed for their wrong decisions. Had he been exonerated earlier, then the lonely hero could probably not have committed suicide.

I also wish that this film be patronized by our new generation. Many have forgotten about the sacrifices made by these brave men for us to enjoy our present rights and liberty. I was deeply saddened to know that after a short lived showing in cinemas, it was altogether pulled out. No amount of money could repay the debts we owe to their bravery, and I believe the least the young millenials could do is acknowledge and honor their bravery by watching these modern World War 2 classic drama. Kudos to the producers for making poignant and inspiring films like this. Keep doing these kind of films. I don't think we will ever run out of stories of bravery and courage by our real life heroes from the WW1 and WW2.