Today marks Father's Day celebration for all the dependable dads out there excluding the dad of my sons. He could only earn the accolade if he would be brave enough to wash my son when they soiled their nappies or give them a bath when they smell pretty bad. Too shallow? You would understand if you would dig deeper.
To give a back story about my son's biological father, he ruined my hope that he will be a good father the day he mocked our first born son, Evo, for not looking like him a couple of weeks after Evo was born. Evo used to have a darker skin tone as compared to him, and honestly speaking Evo, closely resembles me during his first few days of life.
"Hindi ko anak 'yan! Kung anak ko yan bakit hindi ko kamukha?!" He angrily lashed out at my frail self while I was recuperating from my CS operation.
"Pasalamat ka binigyan ko yang anak mo ng apelyido." I cried myself to sleep when he left my mom's apartment. I had been inconsolable the day after that incident. To cut things short, I suffered from Post-partum depression because of him. There was no support, no affection or love seen from a father to his firstborn son seen from him during those first crucial weeks of our son's life. He would provide diapers, immunization expenses, and sometimes formula milk but he would never console Evo when he was colic nor change his soiled nappies after poo or pee.
"Nadidiri ako. Hindi ko trabaho 'yan, gawin mo." If he had no choice, he would just hold Evo's tiny feet as I clean him up or when his mother is around, he'd yell for help. "Mommy! Tulungan mo ako magpalit!"
Six months later after recuperating, I moved back with him in his parents' house. How I wanted to sleep beside our son but he didn't like the idea. He said Evo would be better sleeping beside his mother because she had her room air-conditioned or he cannot sleep beside our child because he might squish our baby from heavy sleeping after being alcohol wasted. Good job, dad! I had no choice but to give in to their wants. From then on, I was separated from my son. I never had the chance to decide for Evo, and I regret that to this day.
There were times when he would feel fatherly that he would take us out for grocery shopping, lunch or dinner with Evo. However, once his mother declines saying our son will get sick if he goes out more often, he simply obeys. After all, it was less of a hassle on his part since he will not tend to a crying baby.
Every night after dinner, instead of helping me put Evo to sleep, he goes out to drink with his different sets of friends: DSWD co-workers, college gang, Rotarians, the list goes on. Sometimes, he takes with them but oftentimes, he wanted it to be an all boys affair. Counting the minutes he spends with Evo on a daily basis back then, it is limited to only 3 hours in total. I was not perfect either but during those crucial moments in my son's life, I was always there for him. I never made him feel unwanted. It was only when his mother took him away from me that I feel defeated. Even though they did not say it, in reality she had competed with me on motherhood; feeling all the more entitled and knowledgeable in taking care of our son to which I surrendered. Feeling hurt every time I see my son not recognizing me nor my scent anymore, I slowly departed and drifted away.
Then came our second son, Tyler. He never wanted Tyler when we found out I was carrying our second child. I became pregnant with Tyler during our most tumultuous time together; when our lovemaking had been from sporadic or nothing to more of a daily basis to cure our depression.
"Ipalaglag mo 'yan! Hindi ko anak 'yan!" He angrily said one night while we were on our way home. I cried hard feeling sorry for being knocked up again. But I wanted this, I wanted Evo to have a brother he can depend on as he walks through life. I endured my first and second trimester of pregnancy being emotionally, physically, and psychologically beaten and tortured by my sons' own father. I cannot leave. I won't leave then because I love him. I can't leave because I cannot leave my son, Evo even though he loves his grandmother more than he has ever loved me.
I will never forget one night he went into my room, deranged. He kicked my thighs which accidentally or intentionally hit my growing belly. He was a monster. I had a feeling back then that he wanted me to suffer miscarriage so the baby and I would die. He bent my knees upward then pressed it against my tummy while my back is lying on the bed. I was overpowered, weak and defenseless from the punches and blows I already had from him. He only stopped when I yelled in pain that my belly hurts. I saw a demon that night, and it was my sons' father. I can take all the physical pain directed at my other body parts but never will I forgive him for threatening our son's life growing inside my womb. I will never forget that including the time he said he will kill Evo if his mother will not learn to love him upon giving birth.
Today, I have seen him change. He has learned to love both Evo and Tyler at the expense of loathing me. I don't care. He feeds them which is his only task for the kids aside from taking them to the mall or other travels. He takes the boys daily on a trip to the public market leaving me at home to tend to other home chores such as cooking their meal. I find it amusing how he has learned to embrace fatherhood albeit not wholeheartedly. He yells at Evo when he's being stubborn and ignores TP when the latter cries profusely. He still thinks of himself at all times but at least he did change from being the monstrous kind of biological father he once was to being a sympathetic one. While he is winning our sons' love, sadly though is that he is also using my kids against me. I often hear him teaching Evo to hate me or exclude me as part of our son's family; that I am just his yaya not his mom. I am his mother for goodness' sake!
You can try winning their hearts and turning me into a monster in their eyes but if our kids will know the truth about you and your family excluding daddy, I don't think our boys will ever respect you. You will never be a good example to our sons. Enjoy your days with them while it lasts.
