Happiness is..

Happiness is: 
1. Falling in love. 
2. Laughing so hard your face hurts. 
3. A hot shower. 
4. No lines at the supermarket. 
5. A special glance. 
6. Getting mail. 
7. Taking a drive on a pretty road. 
8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio. 
9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside. 
10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.
11. Chocolate milkshake ... (or vanilla ... or strawberry!)
12. A bubble bath.
13. Giggling.
14. A good conversation.
15. The beach
16. Finding a 20-pound note in your coat from last winter.
17. Laughing at yourself.
18. Eye contact with a hot member of the opposite sex.
19. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
20. Running through sprinklers.
21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
22. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful/good looking.
23. Laughing at an inside joke.
24. Friends.
25. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
26. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
27. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner).
28. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
29. Playing with a new puppy.
30. Having someone play with your hair.
31. Sweet dreams.
32. Hot chocolate.
33. Road trips with friends.
34. Swinging on swings.
35. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.
36. Making chocolate chip cookies (and eating them...!).
37. Having your friends send you homemade cookies.
38. Holding hands with someone you care about.
39. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change.
40. Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a much-desired present from you.
41. Watching the sunrise.
42. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.
43. Knowing that somebody misses you.
44. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply.
45. Knowing you've done the right thing, no matter what other people think.
-Unknown

March mayhem

I've been thinking about a lot of things lately. First off, we're officially evicted here at our current place. My in-laws will go with us too. I knew this would happen. I have always been aware of this since Tope and I were just a couple. But then again, marriage came too early for us since Tope got me preggo so therefore whether I like it not, I've been automatically dragged into the same problem. Tope and my in-laws have been living in the family's ancestral house for almost three decades now. It's a common property of daddy's siblings and him that's why when his wealthy uncle decided that we vacate the house premises, Tope and his parents agreed. Eventually, they decided to have their own house constructed at back of our existing home. Tope managed to talk with Engr. Jake for the construction and design so the construction will officially start on April 8, Buddha's birthday (the day Tope & I first met back in 2007 btw). 

So that's basically the first thing in my head right now. We'll be included in the house too. Tope and I will have our own room in the second floor and I am very much hoping that the room will be big enough for us so that Evo can also sleep beside me. I am really thankful and at the same time worried because, still, Tope and I won't have a place of our own. In short, we will still be dependent. Major decisions will still rest upon our in-laws especially with regard to decisions concerning Evo.

Again, it seems like a rough time for me and Tope (like always). I have always known the cause long before we tied the knot but decided to keep quiet and accept him because of the thing called love. I had thought he will change for the better. But after marriage and after he had his first real work, he changed for the worse. Sometimes, I just can't stand him. This was my fault. I had been to enduring before. I never yell back so now whenever I tried to fight back, he tells me I was the one who had changed. I don't think answering back is a big issue. After all, all I just wanted is to state my point.

I had an overtime two weeks ago for the awarding ceremonies of Gawad Calapeno which also happened to be my co-worker kuya Jager's birthday bash. So right after the program, my superior, ate Marvie invited me to attend the party with her even for just an hour. I told him about it. That was 10 in the evening already by the way so Evo is already sound asleep with mommy. I knew Tope was mad. So I stayed there with my CIO co-workers, joined the fun by singing with the acoustic band, ate crabs but never drank any liquor. Unfortunately, our driver went drinking so did our other office mates which meant my one-hour stay became almost 3 hours. I told Tope about it and he was mad. He stopped replying. At 2AM, the office van with my chief and other co-workers dropped me at home. This time the door was closed, no Tope answering my phone calls and texts to open the main door, and so I was doomed. I couldn't stay/sleep outside I am quite a scaredy cat. I decided to have McFlurry at McDo which is by the way located just across our house. I stayed there until Tope finally read my message and let me in around 4AM. It was raining heavily then too but Tope did not show up in McDo to fetch me. Sigh. I hired a trike, dropped me by the gate, and rushed into the compound. When I opened the door, my mother in law was just getting inside her room too. I got caught. Darn. Tope let me get caught. He branded me with several terms already like irresponsible parent for coming home at such unholy hour then for going to a party blah blah. I was like, "you never hear anything from you whenever you arrive home at almost 6AM from booze, but why were you scolding me?" I was so hurt. It was my first time to arrive at such hour. It was then that I felt how powerless I still am. I thought marriage is all about trust, having a giving heart, and not controlling. I felt sad. I reckon all the times I had been forgiving, trusting whenever Tope goes out for a night out with his boys. I felt stupid. He told me not to compare because he is the man and I'm just a wife, a mother. My goodness. I never asked for it. I wasn't supposed to go there but I had no choice since it was my chief who asked. She, too, had been delayed for almost three hours but simply explained to her husband and was not scolded. Why do I had to be locked out of the house? I had not sinned Christopher, but your prying eyes had looked at me as if I was the worst woman or mother for coming home late. Geez man.

Valentine Woes

While people around me were happily receiving their Valentine roses or posting photos of their roses in their facebook statuses, I was alone with my thoughts wondering whether my husband will surprise me with even a single stem or not. I don't know; maybe people are just too cheesy or am I just bitter than I won't be getting anything, not today, not tomorrow, never again; and I was right.

Hubby arrived that night bringing home with him Evo's new nanny, Joy. She replaced Airene who will take a couple months of rest for her nearing due date. I was glad he was home safe and with a new helper even with no flowers. Afterwards, he told me to dress up Evo for we will bring him to our family dinner buffet at Ciudad Garden with daddy. As I hopped into the Crosswind with Evo, I still tried to check that maybe he will surprise me with roses on my seat like what he did last year (though I only received cheap plastic roses handed to him by his office mate ate Nova). Sadly, there was none.

Although I used to tell myself we were never the sweetest couple, people around me still kind of influenced me to long for any sweet gestures. It kinda made me expect a subtle kiss on cheek or even a single long stemmed red rose. I thought to myself, the Valentine buffet place should be romantic enough for me. I walked inside the fancy resort carrying Evo alongside Daddy when we were asked to pay for our reserved tickets. Surprised, I took my wallet and paid Php1,140.00 for the 3 reserved tickets. When Tope made it to there after parking the car, he asked if I had paid the tickets and how much did it cost. He then told Daddy to hand me 1,000 bucks to me as repayment. Nice move husband. Shouldn't this be on you? We then proceeded to the long buffet table with a variety of dishes to select our food. Evo wasn't the nicest baby that night; his constant shrieking and walking around the place made me feel that night was just plain ordinary. I gave way for Tope who seemed exhausted from work to eat dinner first with daddy, and then I walked Evo around the function hall. Evo had been too energetic during his first ever Valentine's dinner out. I, too, felt more exhausted.

In short, Tope and I didn't share a romantic dinner together at the same table or at the same time. We sure did take photos but only to remember a buffer dinner out kind of night. Dinner ended, and we headed back home wherein Tope left me to tend to Evo alone. Tope didn't bother helping me either. He simply excused himself to go out and return a broken DVD to Video City. He never returned to Evo's room to check on us. I know he was never really sweet but I thought tonight might be an exception; that he might really want it to be more of a family affair with our little Evo than a rare steamy night. I thought and I had hoped that he would sleep beside me and Evo but he did not. He came back from Video City only to play some crappy video game in the blue house. I spent the night curled up like a ball beside my fluffy little boy feeling neglected again.

Next day was Friday, no more Valentine's day, no more clumsy roses nor awkward rose givers probably in the office. I was wrong. I sat in my office cubicle when Kuya Edu approached me, his face behind his back calling me, "Jo-en, flowers for you." My reaction was epic. I was like, "Really kuya? Wow, thanks kuya Edu! My husband never gave me even just a single rose blah blah." Kuya Edu had shifted to looking nervous then said it wasn't for me; that it was Mau's from her suitor, Marfy. Ouch. I never really should have expected any flower at all. Nonetheless, I'd like to thank Kuya Jeperly for giving plastic roses to all the CIO girls. That was the only flower I received for that Valentine's day aside from the plastic rose I picked from the floor of Ciudad Garden Resort.

It's not really about the flowers. It's about Tope. I don't know. I just feel like he keeps drifting away. It's like he's just staying with me for the sake of our son Evo or because his family will get mad at him if he leaves me. I really can't tell. The only conversation we make is when he would make fun of me or yell at me. We have been married for almost two years only but signs of Tope falling out of love is showing as early as now. I'm not assuming that he's making me feel that way; he is truly and intentionally showing me that that's how he feels towards me now. Maybe I should toughen myself by now for the inevitable.

Fun shoot Saturday

Not really sure why it was called fun shoot before, but now, maybe I can tell.

My first ever fun shoot was when I was 8 months preggy with Evo. It was August last year with my cousin Cha. Imagine how ripe I was back then & I could only feel comfy with my cousin taking photos of me. What can I say? I nailed it! I was one daring preggo mom! It was pretty daring that Tope & I chose to keep the photos to ourselves. I was only able to post the decent ones. I wonder why I never tried this stuff (fun shoots) back when I was still single. Oh yeah I remember ditching one schedule with Mahalta photography club because my then boyfie turned husband Tope threatened me that we'll call it quits if I agree being the club's model for their fun shoot. Boohoo!

Let's skip past the sad part and enjoy the good stuff that happened last Saturday. I finally got a fun shoot. This time I was all slimmed down (though I haven't returned to my 23 1/2" waistline yet) and maybe more relaxed to lounge around JJ campus while being photographed. Tad-ah! Posted are some of the results.

If people will ask me why I had this fun shoot what will hit my mind will always be because my mom wanted me to have one. She's just been too proud of me, err, before. She thinks I'm the prettiest among her three daughters, and would always say how much she wanted my innocent look, youth, beauty, and radiance (ehem) be captured on cam. Years may wrinkle the skin, but a photographed youth will remain young forever. I would also want my son Evo to see this. When the time comes that he's mature enough to make a real conversation with me I will show him these photos and ask what he thinks. I wanna know if he'll say he has a real hot momma hehe. That's the time when I can only feel proud. Do I make sense? Yeah, I may look confident on these shots but heck no. I feel totally insecure about myself in reality. How I wish I could finally get rid of my post-partum weight gain and be the slim girl I used to be just two years ago. 

Fashion blogs by Camille Co and Laureen Uy also inspired me to try doing this. I may not be fashionable and I am not trying hard. I may not have a lot of the luxury/designer stuff, but, still I have a few posh pieces to begin with.

     (Wrangler jeans, Crissa top, Black tube, Lacoste watch, Gold set earrings-heirloom, Mags pumps) 

Feeble

Maybe I was just looking for my best friend. A living blog perhaps. But blogs don't respond. You get response from random people's comments in your posts. How was I supposed to act in the first place. Do I had to be rude? I wasn't so sure. I just discovered how liberating it could be talking to strangers who will never judge me the way I am constantly judged, and ridiculed by my own husband. I don't know. I just find it comforting, somehow.

Just like the quiet after the abrupt surge of the storm, everything will return exactly the way they once are.

Emo..

Kahit ayaw ko masaktan, nasasaktan ako...
Kahit nangyari na nang nakaraan, nasasaktan pa rin ako...
Kahit anong gawain ko, nasasaktan ako...

Ganito lang talaga siguro ako pinalaki ng magulang ko, laging nasasaktan pero hindi pa rin kayang lumimot or makipagsabayan basta minsang masaktan..

Wala namang taong immune sa pain. Pero exaggerated ako. Anything that reminds me of those darn girls, nasasaktan na agad ako. What hurts me more is that pareho pa silang may ginawang masama sakin. I don't want to live like this. Ayaw ko na naaapektuhan relationship namin but what can I do about it. I just can't move on.... I want to get even. But I don't have the heart to do so whenever chances appear. Mabait lang siguro ako masyado.

I don't know what I need. Hermit ako so I can't deal handling more pain or yung nadadagdagan mga iniisip ko. I have plenty of frustrations of which I know I can never move on with. And experiencing more pain is just too much to bear.

I grew up obeying rules. I grew up always trying hard to be prim and proper. I cow down easily at criticisms. Maarte ako but I was NEVER a flirt. Ang tagal ko NBSB. Sana I maintained that na lang. I'm no wife material because I ain't looking for a husband. All I need is a friend. Someone who can endure the whole me.... Because being me is nothing but pain and being with me is torture... And then I found him. It's been more than 3 years since that day. I think he's endured a lot already because he's with me. I've been blessed being with him. But he's been cursed. I love him dearly but I could not accept our barriers...

If things go wrong I guess I'm quite prepared. I will leave Phils for good...

NOTE TO SELF:

Kayanin mong gumanti sa mga taong sayo'y nang-api.

(April 19, 2012)

Part of the Family

Ours may not be the perfect family or shall I say they may not be the perfect parents, it doesn't matter. I still love them even though I don't show it that much.

Being beaten as a child molded me to become a tough person. Being physically and emotionally hurt made me both part valiant and part coward. Part valiant because many times I ignore my family and appears intimidating. Coward because deep inside I still care but I'm afraid to show it. I care in ways like I tried to make them proud of me. I am selfish most of the time only because I want them to persevere. I want every one to strive for the best, same way I did when I was feeling down. I want them to realize that despite the problems we have, the only way out is to get up.

It hurts me when they are sad. It hurts me more seeing how difficult our predicament is; but I can't do anything about it. Showing sympathy will only make them take me for granted once more. Oftentimes, I can't stand my eldest sister. She is too arrogant and insensitive. She keeps boasting that she loves and cares for our family yet she can't stop being obnoxious even for once. Maybe, she just can't stand being intimidated by me as well.

I am writing this because she wants me out of the house. Nobody should be kicked out of the house unless that kin chooses to. No matter what heartaches, pains and problems he/she has done, family is still family. Sometimes, family just have to respect and understand their members.

(Sept 6, 2010)