Linggo, Disyembre 24, 2017

2017 is just love

2017 taught me so many things. I will always be grateful for all the wonderful things that came my way this year. The sad moments were also eye-openers for me. The good things made me happy while the terrible ones made me strong. To round up my top 10 most unforgettable moments this year I would like to start with the best one.

1) I won a viewer promo thanks to my short essay which got me a free trip to Korea. The trip to Korea takes the cake.
2) My interview with Marie Lozano of TV Patrol got me featured in the country's leading news program. (Not much of a fame whore here.)
3) Rekindled friendship with my editor friends and some law school buddies. With Gazette, we went wake boarding last July.
4) Evo graduated third honors in his class of 90 student. No one else but me believed that he can.
5) I gained more friends most especially the hardworking millenials and inspiring ladies from Jeepney TV.
6) Finally ticked off my local bucketlist Mayon Volcano and Corregidor Island with my sister, Jessy.
7) Made friends with a beautiful stranger who turns out to be a French backpacker. He inspired me to travel more often.
8) Sarah's bachelorette's party in Manila with me, Lovely and Robi.
9) The day I realized that my heart is finally free of love and hatred for him. I have finally moved on. Alone but independent and happy.
10) That despite living in celibacy, even drunkenness cannot make me vulnerable to Korean oppas or sharks.

Obviously, a lot of the things that made me really happy this year are my travels. Traveling is not a bad thing especially when you draw inner peace from it. I am happy everyday with my kids. They always teach me how to be a loving, patient mom, and that traveling every once in a while enables me to come home recharged and rejuvenated to take care of them more.

Clock keeps ticking

Before I flew in Korea, a friend revealed to me my husband's plans last October. It shook me to the core. I was devastated for a while until my friend's bachelorette's sparty in Manila washed my worries away. Our common friend told me that my husband is just waiting for the right time. In fact, he already consulted some family lawyers in Manila.

Even though, I have been prepared for it hearing that for the first time from another person still stung. I have not readied myself to be interrogated. I was not prepared to answer questions about what led to my husband arriving on that resolve.

I tried to explain.
I faltered.
I cried.

My firstborn will turn 7 in the next 10 months. If his father sticks to his plans, I will be out of the house once he makes up his mind. I do not know what is more painful to bear, the fact that despite our desperate attempt to treat each other civilly, absent love, we could still no longer salvage our marriage, or the tearing apart of my kids' family at such their tender age.

I have changed since hearing that. I tried to somewhat detach myself. I do not wish my kids to suffer so I am giving them the better option. And that option is for them to pick the better parent between their broke mom and their erratic but financially-stable father.

Clock ticks away.

Who will they choose? Who will Evo choose?

Their answer, it will be obvious.


Tonight, this Christmas, I made up my mind

My trip is Korea last November has been an eye opener for me. The experience showed me once again all the opportunities I passed up during my younger teen years. Last Wednesday, I had a one on one interview with Marie Lozano of ABSCBN for TV Patrol. I was dumbfounded when I saw her. I love her glamorous life and job; a celebrity reporter who interviews Hollywood A-listers every now and then. My new friends at Jeepney TV also inspired me to work in their office or simply just get back to having a full-time work. If only the daily commute to work in Metro Manila is not as stressful as breaking up with your husband  quite easy, I would have taken my chances and apply for any job with them right there and then. I would if I could, but something would always hold me back. Whenever I dream of my inevitable success at working in the corporate or mass media world something would always wake me up or pull me back to reality. My success is where my heart should be, and my heart says it should be where my kids are.

I have had my a taste of freedom during my short stay in Manila. I partied in the spirit of Christmas, hung-out with friends and even a shark who pretends to be my friend, enjoyed a me-time filled with spa, scrumptious brunch and dinner buffet, and lastly, ran errands for the father of my boys. I should feel thankful already. Those once in a while adventures should be enough, and I must not push further at getting freedom at the expense of losing my kids.

The issue at hand is that I am not earning much and has no clear career path compared to some peers my age. I feel bummed just thinking about how financially dependent I am when I should not be because I still have a chance. Tonight, after enjoying a good dinner out with my sister who just arrived from Davao City, Tepzie, my contemporary who now successful in the mass media and fashion styling industry asked me that if ever I need a job he could work things out for me in his studio. I am thankful and also overwhelmed. If I would take that chance, I will definitely earn more, enjoy my life more like a true millenial, but I will not see my kids as often or even at all. There is no in between. I cannot negotiate to see my kids every weekend once I decide to work in Manila during weekdays. It would be either I take them with me, which would be too difficult for us all, or I leave them for good with their dad is which is even though, tough for me, is something I might be able to tolerate for their own sake. Still, the point is, I can no longer see them once I pick the latter. Will I be able to live like that?

A friend told me that the fact that I still return to them every time I leave is because maybe that is where my heart truly is. My friend may be correct on that premise because I have been asking myself that question for almost 4 years now, and the answer always led me back to my family, to my kids.

My boys, Evo and TP are my life. I may not be much of a devoted mother but this I know, with the clock ticking and our time of being together as a complete, picture-perfect family fades into the abyss, I have not and could not abandon them for my own happiness or for my career. No more law school plans or working abroad or in the corporate world for now until my boys have grown up. So tonight, this Christmas, I made up my mind. I will stay and fulfill a purpose that was given to me the moment I gave birth to my precious sons; that I will be their mother and I will raise them right.

Miyerkules, Nobyembre 29, 2017

Seoul searching: My holiday in Korea

I have been blessed to have won an all expense paid trip to Korea with a companion which was awarded to me a month before my birthday. It surely made my birthday more awesome. I joined a viewer promo contest which had the highest turnout in the ABSCBN network's viewer promos' history. My short essay entry was chosen among the 520 entries which is in fact a good feat that I was really proud of.

My sis failed to obtain a Korean visa while I did secure mine. Sad. Therefore, I gave her slot to my best friend, Robi, who likely has a stronger chance to secure one, and she did.

Prost and Itaewon love

I just love this place. Prost at Itaewon; they both just feel like home. For party people looking for a posh yet good place to chill out in Seoul, I highly recommend Prost Grill and Pub. This place offers good crowd, a variety of booze, upbeat music, good vibes, and loads of good-looking oppas and unis; Koreans and westerners alike.

During my short but sweet 5-day holiday in Seoul last week, Prost instantly became my favorite pub wherein me and my tour group friends spent 3 nights straight just chilling out there. The autumn just ended and the bitter cold prompted my friends and I to go drinking almost every night after our strenuous day tours, and Prost always ended our day with a bang. Even after downing a couple more shots and beers, just like the lively Itaewon district, we found ourselves still very much alive, kicking and partying at Prost.

While the other bars and pubs look quite deserted on weeknights, Prost is beaming with cheerful crowds capping their nights. From the richest to middle class party-goers like us wanting to enjoy the night partying and drinking, Prost is there to welcome everyone. Worried because you can't dance? No problem. The folks dancing on the dance floor obviously lack the moves but who cares, no one mocked anyone anyway.

On our first night, we came down to Prost from Glam Lounge, a fancy, high-end lounge just a floor above Prost. After a couple of frozen margaritas, I started to feel like dancing so I headed to the dance floor. While hooked on instagram and dancing, a young Korean guy approached me and asked if he can buy me a drink. I declined but because he has limited English vocabulary he did not understand and ended up buying me a drink anyway. It was a struggle communicating with him. We had to use our phones and google translators. Haha. The only thing I understood was when he thought I am only 22, and with his finger he showed me the 22 sign. On our second night, he was there again but I was not really in the mood to waste my time on my phone to use a google translator just to talk to him when I am already enjoying myself drinking, chatting with my friends and watching the crowd.

The Korean oppas are generally very polite and generous. I felt safe while inside Prost even though I had my fair share of unexpected proposals from some of these sought after Korean hotties. On our third night, while walking back to my friends' table after a quick trip to the restroom or smoking area, two affluent-looking, educated and disturbingly handsome Korean oppas on separate occasions suddenly threw their hands around my waist or shoulders saying, "Where are you from, baby?" or "You look really pretty. I like your face. Come dance with me." However, my friends and I were about to leave already so I declined twice. I just blew away my chance. Haha! Just kidding. With my arms crossed shielding my small boobs, I told them I'm sorry my friends and I were leaving. They instantly backed off, were both very apologetic, and even cleared the way for me. Seems like I am quite a Korean oppa magnet yet zero appeal to my bet, the westerners. Haha! Hard truth.

The Korean men and women partying at Prost are aesthetically pleasing. No. That is an understatement! They honestly look like perfect and flawless models yet I could not help but imagine that they all went through drastic under the knife procedures just to achieve that perfection. The idea puts me off but I do not discriminate those who undergo plastic surgeries. If plastic surgery is no big deal for you, then just grab the invitation and dance with these gorgeous Korean oppas.

A major downside for me is that, the drinks are really pricey. It costs almost P500 or $10 for a bottle of Corona beer. With the unforgiving cold, believe me, your alcohol tolerance will certainly rise an all time high you will need to drink a dozen before you even get drunk. But then again, it pays to have an awesome partying experience at Itaewon, the party capital of Seoul.

Biyernes, Nobyembre 10, 2017

Sex tour shit

I am dismayed that Philippines has become a sex tour capital for these foreigners looking for a different kind of vacation. I am so fucking disappointed that the local Filipino ladies were the ones pimping themselves at the sight of white men simply enjoying a good meal or drink. Damn these  dark-skinned, exotic-looking (like a lizard-looking exotic kind of way) creepy, tourist guide whores! You make my country less respectable. I hope these foreigners break your heart into pieces because there is no way that those young and carefree Yankies will take you to their countries!

Okay, enough with this shit. I am just a little bitter. Teehee! So my friend who considered me as his smart ass virtual guide for the past almost 3 weeks suddenly went ghost on me. The reason? My above stated rant was the reason. I made myself clear that I am a friend. However, no sane person would be happy being suddenly dismissed just because they found a better one. That is just rude and so not cool. Oh well, that's life. Just like the seasons, people change. I just wish those whores suck your travel money real dry because that's what they only want from you after all. Maybe these whores also want to have an AFAM boyfriend or be sired with interracial future cash cow kid.

My takeaway from this experience? Do not help some random helpless beautiful stranger no matter how adorably blue or captivating their eyes are. If unavoidable, do not invest any kind of emotion: no pity, delight, care, enthusiasm. Nada. At the end of their journey, they will still forget you like you never really existed. 

Miyerkules, Nobyembre 1, 2017

Old friends, true friends

Spent my Halloween eve last night with a night out with my college editor friends. It was a blast! I don't get to hang out with them often. I consider myself lucky if three times a year we get to hang out since they are all based in Manila. They come home in the province only during long holidays.

My good friends include Leif and kuya Tophe, missing last night were kuya Mhon, Allen and Mich. We were all former editor in our college paper The DWCC Gazette so we sort of share the same wavelength and passion for writing, political opinions, traveling and simply everything. Last night we did not chat a lot but drowned ourselves until the wee hours of the morning by playing cards and board games. Yes! Very much tita/tito like kind of night. Leif brough home his precious card games i.e. Cards Against HUmanity, Never Have I Ever, Jenga and I forgot the name of the other one. It was fun playing these games with them because we reveal more of our ourselves without the fear of being judged or gossiped about since we are very close to each other.

A night of laughter, coffee, chocolates, a little booze and lot of games completed our wholesome Halloween reunion despite the unforgiving monsoon rain. At times, I try to consult them with my life decisions since they have known me since I was only 16. It feels great to have friends who you now would never judge you despite the fact that they know you failed in life numerous times. They still motivate me to strive for a better career and always look at the bright side of life.

I just feel blessed because aside from my constant girls since high school: Robi, Sarah and Lovely, I still have few mature, wise and good friends who will always cheer me up and have my back no matter what.




Biyernes, Oktubre 27, 2017

An unexpected friend

While in Manila during Sarah's Bachelorette's party weekend, I came across two foreigner backpackers who were quite lost in an MRT train station. I offered help simply by telling them they need to go down the north bound station, take the footbridge to get to south bound station bound for Shaw Blvd. station. Before these backpackers could even thank me, I left and walked down the stairs. The white guy suddenly spoke behind my back with in his American accent saying, "Thank you for saving us back there." I simply replied, "No worries. I am heading the same way too. I was on my way to visit Remy in VRP Hospital Mandaluyong that time. I was in a hurry. After boarding the train bound for Boni Station, I saw again those two backpackers I helped missing the train by only 2 minutes short. At least they are okay now.

I am always like that because aside from appreciating and envying backpackers' adventurous life, I also have a high regard for white people. Growing up, we had the kindest white neighbors; Pastor Walter and Mrs. Pauline Routh. Their family were our very first neighbors and they treated us like the own grandchildren as well. I was already in 6th grade when they lefttheir missionary life in Philippines to retire in USA. Even though it may sound a bit weird for others, I honestly imagined myself marrying a white guy. Thank you also HBO and Cinemax for that! In fact, my first love was a white Macedonian guy I met on then Friendster when I was in high school.Unfortunately, before Sash and I could see each other for the first time I suddenly disappeared and dated a real person, a Filipino guy.

After my courtesy call in ABSCBN for my Korean trip, Robi and I went to SM Megamall for a little shopping and lunch with my lawyer friend. Yes, I won a trip for two to Korea thanks to the short essay I submitted last September 30. Once everything has already been settled, I started my journey home. That is where I met him. A lone backpacker with thick European accent was trying to buy a ticket from Supercat bound for Calapan City. He politely asked, "One ticket please for White Beach." I glanced at the boat trips bound for Puerto Galera and uttered to myself, "You're in trouble. No more White Beach trips."

I sat conveniently inside the terminal then realized we still have to wait an hour and a half before the last boat leaves for Calapan. Thirsty. I stood up, fetched my water bottle and headed to the water refilling station when I saw this beautiful stranger again. He looked at my direction and I could see him holding his wrong ticket. I had a feeling he mimicked what I did because he walked past me and also bought a bottled water. He walked in front of me again before he finally sat down on his spot and plugged his earplugs. Pitying the somewhat lost backpacker, I mustered the courage to tap his back and ask few questions.

Me: Hey, are you a backpacker?
Him: Yes. I am. Sorry my English not good.
Me: No problem. Where are you heading to?
Him: White Beach, Oriental Mindoro.
Me: May I check your ticket because I think you bought a wrong one.
Him: Hands over his Supercat ticket. This is for Puerto Galera?
Me: Oh no. You are heading to my city. Wrong ticket. I think they no longer have trips for Puerto Galera.

So that's how our friendship started. I am just amazed at how a simple gesture could have a huge impact on a stranger's life especially those a little worried about their safety. He was thankful that I had put him in perfect conditions even though his trip had been a little deviated to Calapan. I only tried to help a stranger yet I gained a decent, celebrity-looking foreigner friend blessed with tall stature, a beautiful face and blue-gray eyes like Tita Pauline Routh's. And lest not forget, he looks like Nick Carter of Backstreeet Boys during the latter's younger days.

A taste of Manila nightlife

My girlfriend since high school Sarah is getting married this November. For that, my best friends Robi and Lovely decided that we will throw her an unconventional bachelorette's party. Last weekend of October 14, Robi and I went to Manila to schedule our sparty event at Wensha Pasay.

Our sparty went well. We enjoyed the buffet and massage. We opted not to use the jacuzzi and sauna baths since both Robi and Sarah have their monthly periods. Our next destination, clubbing. Malate's Adriatico Square is the place to be. At first we checked Exclusiv but decided to walk towards the circle until we discovered Zzxyxz club. It was a fun experience. The bouncers were proactive. They make sure the party girls dancing on the dance floor are not harassed by other males.

We ordered Weng Weng pitchers, calamares and beers for Lovely's husband. After few shots, Sarah asked me and Lovely to dance with her. Looking at the club, I can tell majority of the party goers were foreigners, mostly Koreans, Japanese and Indians. I forgot how many booze I drank but I am fully aware that I am perfectly okay. Dancing with my girls made me feel better. I have never felt so alive. My love for dancing made me feel confident yet still reserved that night. I know my girls had so much fun as well. There was an incident wherein one drunken Korean tried to hug both me and Sarah, the bouncers went to us right away and assisted us. JayAr also tries to check on us on the dance floor too at times. We felt safe. 

The night ended well. We all danced except Robi, certified tita of Calapan or Manila. I am so proud of my best friend. We had been safe with her and JayAr driving us back to our abodes. I will surely return to that place with my girls. I never knew the somewhat single life with your girls behind your back could feel this good. Some say there are people who go to clubs to get laid, I think not. There are those who simply enjoy a good drink, trance music and dancing their hearts out like me, Sarah and Lovely. 

Miyerkules, Setyembre 27, 2017

Chit chatty

When my sister left for Bohol early this month, I felt alone suddenly. Whenever I feel down, I just ask her out to the mall or we just stress-eat out. I miss her a lot but she had to leave to improve her career. Hopefully when she returns she will already be the bank manager in her branch. Since she returned in 2013, I became happy again knowing my sister best friend will always be there for me and will always have my back. When my marriage started to go awry and I have had another bun in the oven, she was there for me, and patiently tended to my then troubled self. I owe her a lot and despite our seldom misunderstandings, we try to fix things quickly because who else would care for each other like sisters do?

I really miss ate. My best friend Robi is also back in Calapan. Ate told me whenever I fell blue I should just visit my best friend too. However, I cannot visit her as often I could with my ate since she is also busy checking her patients in their family optical. We still chat thru facebook and check on each other despite their busy schedules. While lazily browsing some sites, I noticed a sort of friend, wholesome online site where you could sign up to find virtual friends or for dating purposes. I did sign up but specifically mentioned I am only looking for friends. I used my real photo but different username. I used a name I hold dear to my heart. It is a name that I wanted to give Tyler had he been a girl.


Bye bye, cold caller me

For almost 2 years I've worked as a cold caller or as a Lead Generation Specialist for a realty team based in Kitchener and Toronto, Canada. I didn't get the job easily as I have no call center background. After giving birth to Tyler in late 2015, my sister sent me a link which might could allow me to work from home for only 4 hours a day. I submitted my resume, aced the pre qualification exams and bested 83 other applicants in the written and oral interviews. Only 3 of us made it to the training stage, and admittedly, I lag behind the other two since they both have had call center work experience. I extended my training hours and honed my skills in cold calling until I ended up as the only one hired after 2 weeks.

I have been with the company for almost 2 years now. It did reward me with a good pay and has helped me sharpen my English speaking skills since I had to speak in straight English at least 3 hours a day. However, there were also downsides. I gained a lot of weight from lack of sleep, my skin became more oily and prone to pimples which gave me acne scars over my T zone area and most notably, I started having crow's feet, furrows and lines around my eyes! Que horror! I realized I could not handle a straight 8 hr shift despite earning more from such hence I stayed with only 4 hour shift. With as little as 4 hour shift I could earn at least $11.50 a day and still tend to my kids off shift. Everything is going smoothly until my body started to give up from stress and lack of sleep. I normally rouse after only having 3 hours of sleep just to report for work then stay up all day to look after my kids and perform other household chores such as cooking and preparing Evo for school. It was then that I realized that sleep is the most important thing that I need and earning should not be a priority when your total whole being is at risk.

It has been an amazing experience with them and I truly and sincerely wish that I could have done more for my understanding client. It was difficult competing with other cold callers in Canada but I am glad to have had listed a few houses for sale for some of the realtors I worked with. To my team leaders and bosses, thanks and my heartfelt gratitude to all of you. Cheerios!

Linggo, Agosto 27, 2017

The Celibate Life

I had late lunch at my mommy friends house last Wednesday. Our group is composed of married moms and we send our little kids to the same school since 2015. I haven't been visible lately and for that I had to make up with them. Chicken noodle soup, pancit canton and peanut butter sandwich were more than enough to fill us all. 

While we were happily eating one of the girls blurted that I am gaining a great deal of weight lately and that she thinks the reason is inactive sex life. Was she a psychic? How did she figure that out? I was not offended and I replied that she's damn right about it. What I did not expect was their reactions. The oldest in our group is around 55 while I am the youngest at 28. They could not believe my lust for intimacy fizzled out too early. Most even shared their lust level was at it's peak during this age. 

I don't feel uncomfortable talking about sex with them. They are all experienced and empowered women who know what they want and how to get it. One of them asked, how can you go on without it? I was even asked questions like what if you watch a lovemaking scene, don't you feel lonely or frustrated? I simply replied, No. I have gone frigid. The next remark I heard was, maybe you are just like a boring doll in bed that's why your husband had to look for someone else. For a while, I felt that I should be offended but I wasn't. These friends of mine are concern and they rather help you come to terms with your problem or find a solution for it.

It's been difficult for me at first, living celibate when my husband still lurks around the area where I eat, breath and sleep in. I tried my best ignoring my needs since we got married but when problem is that big how can one just forget? He is an alcoholic and a womanizer who finds comfort in the company of different women, hoes and average Joes alike. I always had a feeling that he had been used up already that's why whenever I try to seduce him for the deed, he would simply reject me. The hardest part, I always need to ask permission first before I can ride on him. It's like I'm the man and he is the woman in our sex life. No is No. I am not a nympho and I believe my normal hormones have a say in my rare to occasional mood swings in the past as well. 

A year had passed without anything. 

The first few months had been quite tough. I have become irritable with limited patience. On some occasions, I belittle myself saying I no longer look desirable, I'm fat and ugly or I look old already. I felt terrible. I did try to seduce him but to no avail. You can't force yourself to a faggot anyway. I started neglecting myself and felt so much hatred for him. He did this to me. 

One day, I promised myself that I will be contented again especially without that. I will live a celibate life. Since then I focused all my love, attention and devotion to my kids. Not a day goes by that I do not sleep beside Tyler or tend to Evo. I avoided all the romantic movies or racy scenes I would unexpectedly see until I could be able to not feel anything whenever these actors share a passionate kiss or coitus. Online shopping was also a good help. I would rather dress up myself than sulk and look like hell simply because there is something absent in my life. And I'm glad I did it. 










Lunes, Agosto 21, 2017

Suite Francaise : Falling in love with the enemy



My growing interest for war romance got me hooked into this film by Sal Dibb based from Irene Nemirovsky's novel of the same name. Set in early 1940s during the occupation of Germans in France, it depicts the beautifully crafted love story between a French villager Lucille Angellier and a German Oberlutnant (Lieutenant) Bruno Van Falk. Amidst the harrowing struggles of the Parisian fleeing to the countryside and the increasing pressure of living closely with their enemies, the villagers learned to get by while Lucille had grown comfortable and fondly in love with her German guest.

This superbly acted war romance boasts of stellar cast and performance by Academy Award nominee Michelle Williams, Matthias Schoenaerts, Academy Award winner Kristin Scott Thomas, Margot Robbie and Sam Riley. 

Already pressured living with her domineering mother in law Madame Angellier while awaiting news about her soldier husband, Angellier's simple life changed when a German officer was billeted in their household. Lt. Bruno Van Falk, a strikingly handsome yet well-mannered German officer, was also smitten with Lucille's beauty and kindness. Even though Lucille tries to ignore Bruno, she finds herself charmed by his subtle wooing, kindly demeanor and their common love for piano music. Oftentimes Lucille would peak through windows and door catching a glimpse of their guest as he plays the piano or pets his adopted dog. It was her love of music that made her speak with Bruno for the first time. It was music that brought them closer together. 

Likewise everyone else in the village have ambivalent responses about living closely with their invaders. An awkward moment showed that after months of not seeing shirtless blokes, French women were instantly glued to the sight of German soldiers bathing by the town square. The women's mothers of course remain hostile and curse their foreign occupants. Benoit Labarrie, Viscount's farmhouse tenant, terribly resents the young German lieutenant billeted in his household. To make matters worse, Lt. Kurt chases after his wife. On the other hand, Madame Angellier's beautiful tenant, Celine, has no compunctions sleeping with an enemy. After Celine was caught by Lucille having sex with their German guest by the woods, Celine firmly explained to her that they are human too just like themselves, and that it was Lucille and her mother in law who threw them out to sleep in a barn in exchange for Leah and her daughter Anna. Meanwhile, Leah, a Parisian refugee is seen to be always fearful whenever she sees German soldiers. While collecting their rent, Lucille sees a frightened Leah when Celine's German soldier lover approaches Leah to ask for soap. The pursuit for Benoit later exposed Leah as a hiding Jew. In an oddly saddening scenario, most townspeople took the German invasion as their opportunity to settle old scores and rifts with their neighbors. 

Even though the romance is somewhat inescapable of contrivances, I cannot help but ship Lucille and Bruno. They just exude with so much chemistry that I find their love story breathtakingly moving. Words of love were not spoken between the two, but with every stare and thoughtful gestures of Bruno towards Lucille, one cannot help but fall for a dashingly handsome and gentleman enemy. It's hard not to fall for Bruno. He may be a Werchmacht lieutenant yet he abhors killing. If he can have it his way, he will not shoot any man at all. One can feel his humanity when Bruno even despised himself after leading the Viscount's execution but then he tried to make amends with Lucille by protecting her up to last minute before he left Bussy.

An additional twist in their story is that the clandestine couple were both bound to a loveless marriage. The air is thick with whispers about Lucille being a collaborator or a German whore. and the fear of them being caught is far too grave. After sharing a passionate kiss and an ephemeral yet steamy sex, Lucille and Bruno suddenly tarted to grow apart. Succumbing to her conscience and silencing her heart, Lucille decided Bruno is nothing like her. Moreover, the surrounding circumstances and their differences made the lovers question if they are really meant for each other. The only assurance Lucille gave Bruno to tell him that she loves him is when she said Bruno's life is precious to her. Bruno on the other hand, helped Lucille and Benoit escape from the checkpoint area.

How I wish the movie had a better ending for this two lovers who finally found something perfect in their lonely lives. It could end in a way like Lucille and Bruno, already divorced to their spouses met again after the war in Paris through an opera concert, rekindle their romance, got married, have kids and lived happily ever after. But war made it difficult to make them foresee a future together. How I wish there really is someone like Bruno Van Falk out there waiting for me. HAHA! I cannot believe I have the hots for a movie actor again!

In addition to Bruno and Lucille's ill fated romance, the movie also showed the amazing human ability to move forward through through resilience and perseverance. In the words of Lucille, though she may have lost her loved one music always bring him back to her.


Bruno comforts Lucille after she finds out that her husband has been having extramarital affairs and a lovechild. 

Huwebes, Agosto 17, 2017

Amigo - From Philippine-American War


This is the only historical drama film that depicts the Philippine-American era which shaped our history at the turn of the 19th century. After Spain secede the Philippine Islands, the Filipinos were once again subjected to another foreign occupation by the Americans. The Filipinos initially thought the Americans would help deliver them from the 400 year abuse of the Spaniards. However, upon setting foot on the country, the Americans decided to stay colonizing the country again for another 40 years. Being likened to a bad ninong/godfather, it is a love-hate relationship that had started and transpired between the two countries as early as the outbreak of the Philippine-American war. Presumably, this relationship is still visible to date. Aside from showing Filipino resilience and patriotism, this film gives us an insight of how the Americans and Filipinos forged a relationship despite being at war with each other for a time.

Set in 1900, the citizens of the agricultural town of San Isidro in Luzon led by the cabeza del barrio, Rafael Dacanay (Joel Torre) enjoy a quiet afternoon performing their daily routines. Some farmers patiently till the soil while other women busily pound rice stalks; a normal job in barrios. Seen also is Rafael's wife, a devout Catholic taking time to confess her sins committed that day to the imprisoned Spanish friar when all of a sudden, an American regiment raided their town. Led by Colonel Hardacre (Academy Award winner, Chris Cooper) they searched for revolutionists wherein Rafael's son, Juaquinito and a fellow revolutionist (Bembol Roco) narrowly escaped death. In the town square, the subdued townsfolk were to coerced to tell who their cabeza del barrio is. By then, the freed Spanish friar, Fr. Hidalgo (Yul Vasquez) who is also fluent in English pointed to Rafael Dacanay as their cabeza and brother to the captain of local guerillas, Simon (Ronnie Lazaro). Rafael then introduced himself to Lt. Compton (Garret Dillahunt) as amigo, "Soy mun, Amigo." From then on he was called Amigo, the man in charge and accountable of all the affairs of San Isidro.

Garrisoned in San Isidro, Lt. Compton and his group of young men try to win the minds and hearts of its residents while serving the orders of their superior, Col. Hardacre. There were times when the Americans had put pressure on the Filipinos namely when they killed the buffaloes with the idea of preventing the people to transport goods to the revolutionists, when they set guard posts and perimeters that determine how far the people can only go, and lastly, when Lt. Compton particularly ordered Amigo, also a vast rice plantation owner, to plow the fields as well like the other farmers.

Despite the hostilities of war outside the town, the Americans and Filipinos developed a connection. The Americans promised protection for the people and had let them go about their normal lives. Under Lt. Compton's benevolent supervision, the barrio experienced an election of cabeza where the men unanimously voted for Rafael. The election was the townspeople's first taste of democracy which Lt. Compton referred to as the will of the people. In one scene, the young American soldiers talked about their appreciation of Filipina beauty and liquor. It is also hard not to notice Peterson's (Dane DeHaan) admiration and subtle wooing of a timid Filipina girl. Despite language barrier, the two expressed their genuine appreciation of each other's striking beauty with foreign banters and sign languages. Moreover, after a hard day's labor of both the Filipinos and Americans after building a hut for a quarantined old lady, Lt. Compton could not help but notice how the Filipinos still manage to smile which he mentioned as not such a bad thing.

The townspeople were even allowed to celebrate their annual barrio fiesta in honor of San Isidro, the patron saint of the laborers. Both group shared merrymaking, cockfighting or sabong, and dined altogether the food and alcoholic drinks that the Filipinos had prepared. Unbeknownst to everyone, the local guerrillas successfully launched an attack that same week on the supply train of the Americans in another station. An enraged Col. Hardacre roused the townspeople a day after the fiesta then reprimanded Lt. Compton for partying and befriending the natives. This incident pushed Lt. Compton and his men to shift their treatment of the Filipinos to enemies again. Amigo, being a brother to a revolutionist was therefore considered a spy, blamed of the aforementioned incident, and tortured to reveal the guerrillas' location.

In the movie, Rafael tries his best to lead his people under increasingly difficult circumstances. However, no matter what he does his fate is still appears to be leading him to his ultimate doom. Obeying the Americans branded Amigo as a traitor to the revolutionary cause, and almost got him assassinated by a fellow Filipino. On the other hands, spying for the guerrillas would instantly have him executed by the Americans. He struck the middle ground by focusing on his townspeople's needs during these perilous times. Unfortunately, it still did not save him.

After leading around in circles the American regiment en route to capture the revolutionists, the group was ambushed by the latter. "Damn, damn, damn the Filipinos!", the Americans merrily sing shortly before their ambush. With three American soldiers dead and Peterson becoming partly paralyzed from sustained gunshot on the hip, Amigo was incarcerated, and soon after sentenced to death.

In an unfortunate turn of events, what could have saved Amigo's life even to the last minute was sabotaged by his own son, Juaquinito. Juaquinito's saboteur by cutting the communication wire whilst Sta. Clara's American station was sending message of President Aguinaldo's surrender and amnesty for enemies to San Isidro ultimately ended his father's life.

Instead of letting Amigo suffer a painful death from hanging, Lt. Compton swiftly ended Rafael's life by shooting him point blank. The screams of Rafael's wife reverberated behind. Six months later after Amigo's death, his son Juaquinito and the remaining revolutionists surrendered themselves to the Americans and received 30 Mexican coins each in exchange for their Mauser rifles.


The squad shortly before their ambush singing, "Damn, damn, damn the Filipinos."

Lunes, Agosto 14, 2017

Fire feeds on hatred: Wolyn, a Polish film



My growing interest in history and war drama brought me to watching even foreign films. Last weekend I had the chance to come across this film. It has English subtitles so for the next 135 minutes, my eyes were glued to the screen. It contains graphic scenes and extreme violence as it tries to tell the historically accurate events that transpired in Poland decades ago. Moreover, this is the most disturbing and brutal film I have ever watched to date. If you do not have the stomach to endure slash films, this one is not for you.

After the 1939 Soviet and Nazi invasions, the people of Southeast Poland underwent a third and even more terrible ordeal when they were subjected to mass genocide by the Ukrainian Nationalists. Tens of thousands of Poles were tortured and murdered, not by foreign invaders, but by their fellow citizens-sometimes neighbors, relatives, and former friends, This film, the first to tell this tragic tale, vividly depicts the atrocities experienced by the Polish people costing them 100,000 brutal deaths. Ukrainians suffered as well with over 15,000 casualties from Polish retaliatory attacks.

The film revolves around Zosia, a young Polish girl whose simple life suddenly changed in the outbreak of World War 2 in 1939. Despite being in love with her childhood friend Pietro, a Ukrainian, she was forced to marry Maciej, a Polish widower twice her age. Zosia's parents believed it would be better for Zosia to marry a wealthy Polish than a Ukrainian. World War 2 erupted and brought themselves to fighting the Soviets in the eastern front. Zosia's now husband, Maciej fought for Poland but eventually lost. He was sent home along with his other comrades and witnessed firsthand the brutalities of the Ukrainians when the latter killed his companions. 


Back home, Zosia now pregnant with Pietro's child patiently tended to Maciej's farm and children. Despite Maciej's return, she rekindled her affair with Pietro. When orders to send Polish to forced labor camps in Siberia took effect, Maciej and his family were loaded in trains. Already feeling labor contractions, Zosia and Maciej's children were released from the train by the Soviet guards after Pietro bribed them with stolen vodkas. While giving birth inside Pietro's house as assisted by his mother, Pietro was shot to death by a Soviet soldier for stealing vodkas. 

Just when people think things will remain stable under the communist rule of the Soviets, the German Nazis invaded Poland after their launch of Operation Barbarossa in 1941. They were kind to both Polish and Ukrainian citizens but unforgiving of the Jewish population therein.  

1898. Los Ultimos de Filipinas Character and Plot Review


Spoiler alert! A Spanish film that reads 1898. The Last Men in the Philippines in English translation.

Needless it is to say, the film revolves around the last Spanish militia to surrender in the Philippine Islands. Historically speaking, Spain was the first colony to circumnavigate the world during the 15th century. These colonizers had brought themselves to a natural resources rich island in the far east and named it Philippines after King Philip I of Spain. What was supposed to be their search for Spice Island became a 400 year occupation of the island. With the fall of Baler in 1898, the Spanish era also marked its end with the surrender of its last colony.

In the pre-credits scene, the movie informed the viewers beforehand that most of the characters and plot were fictionalized. I wondered to what extent the movie would be fictionalized since I am a Filipina myself and quite knowledgeable in that aspect. Halfway into watching the film, I figured the similarities and differences myself. The film is actually amazing despite some plot deviation. They showed the plight of the Spaniards who dedicated themselves to defending the territory of Spain even though unbeknownst to them, their rulers already seceded the Philippine Islands . I believe the actors gave a tremendous performance of their respective characters. One might even develop crushes to the guapo soldiers in the garrison. However, I have few comments that I believe must be clarified to the viewers.

Barely a week before surrendering the country to the Americans in the Spanish-American war, the 50 men Spanish reinforcement headed by Capitan Enrique de las Morenas arrived on the beaches of Baler. Their goal was to reclaim the small town from the Filipino insurgents who just massacred the Spanish militia initially stationed there. The group was composed mostly of young, unskilled and naive men armed with ammunition and an unfazed loyalty to the king of Spain. Aboard the ship en route to Baler, people especially the ladies will already notice Carlos, a handsome young artist alongside his young enlisted friends Juan, Jose and Carvajal. The story will center mostly to Carlos and their 11 month ordeal inside the fortified church of Baler.

Even though the location was not shot in Baler, Aurora, Philippines, one could not tell the difference from Canary Islands with its lush rainforest, crystal clear waterfalls, and unforgiving waves that also made Baler a famous surfing destination to date. On the beach they were welcomed by Bro Carmelo, a Spanish serving in the local church. Upon arriving in their garrison, the soldiers led by Lt. Martin Cerezo met Lt. Jimeno, a scarred and embittered Spanish who survived the last massacre. He told them about what happened there and warned everyone to be prepared for the insurgents will come back again from the mountains. He also told them to be wary of Teresa, a beautiful yet daring Spanish-speaking Filipina whore whom Cerezo referred to as a spy feeding his revolutionist brother information about Spaniards. Teresa seductively welcomed the new Spaniard troops and treated them to a song cut short retorting she was only paid a dime to sing.

I have a lot of comment on this character. Clearly, the woman's portrayal of Filipinas was a far cry from what barrio lass Filipinas truly were during that time. She was an Indio whore and worse, whores were never accepted. Also, Indios were never taught how to speak or even plainly understand Spanish; only the privileged and rich meztizos or meztizas had the opportunity to learn Spanish. Whores also do not play major roles in wars yet this film was an exception. Truth be told, whores back then were too afraid to even come out in the public for fear that they will be stoned to death. However, Teresa in the film was too vulgar of her actions and choice of clothes. Even though the Filipina actress' acting is amazing and surreal, hers is really an erroneous interpretation of Filipinas in the film that could leave bad impression to the viewers.

The film was set at a time when women do not play any key role in politics or governance. With this, I was surprised when Teresa and her group gave crates of oranges to Lts. Cerezo and Jimeno. She even tried to negotiate their surrender albeit in subtle yet seductive way. Some points to consider here also is that number one, for a fact, oranges do not grow in the Philippines which is a humid country. Mangoes or avocados could have been the better choice. Second, women were rarely a given a big part in politics let alone convincing enemies to surrender. Although some women participated in wars, many opted to stay at home, tend to their children, and leave politics to their men.

Moreover in another lamentable scene, Teresa lured the Spaniards to surrender by serenading them with a romantic and provocative song wearing only the red KKK flag draped around her body thus exposing her bare breasts. I was embarrassed watching this. No sane Filipina, whore or not, would do humiliating actions just to make her enemies surrender. In fact, it was the Spaniards who instilled Christianity and conservative views to the Filipino natives and their people alike. They greatly influenced the Filipinos that a woman's virginity should be preserved for marriage, and even speaking the slightest mention of a lewd language was easily frowned upon. Lastly, the public sex scene of Teresa and an insurgent across the church for the Spaniards to see was extremely deplarable. It was too scandalous even for the revolutionists or natives to watch that not even war could exempt any couple from doing the deed in public. In reality, they could have been hanged or shot by the revolutionists themselves for performing coitus in public.

I understand that Teresa's provocative and sexual portrayal of Filipinas was meant to add burden and dilemma to the Spaniards in order for them to surrender. She represented the sexual fantasies they were missing and depriving themselves of. However, this historical inaccuracy could leave a wrong and lasting impression on Filipinas that we are nothing but a bunch of animals and whores.

However there is one thing that I really appreciated about Teresa.  It was when she happily and proudly embraced her inevitable demise even sharing a brief yet chilling eye to eye contact with Lt. Cerezo, her death dealer, before being shot. No words were heard. She did not bother running away but stood firmly on the ground making herself an easy target and waited for the gunshot to take her life away.

"You saved my life.", she told Lt. Cerezo one time. But it was also he who took it from her.

The other characters played their parts commendably. Capitan Moreno, a noble yet incompetent dog- loving leader is the only rational superior in the squad. He wanted to verify the news of Spain's surrender and ordered Carlos to venture on a 200km/150mile journey to Manila but not long before Moreno surrendered to beri beri. Had his successor, Lt. Cerezo let Carlos carry out this mission, more of the men could have gone home safely.

Conflict of authority is also visibly seen between Lt. Cerezo and Lt. Jimeno. The latter, filled with spite, always wanted the Spanish armada to launch an offensive fight against the Filipino insurgents, whereas the former believed and implemented for them to remain inside the church fortress thus giving them an upper hand. Based on history, the Spaniards actually launched offensive attacks on the villagers by burning their houses at night to clear their view of advancing insurgents. The two men's dedication to their cause can never be questioned. No amount of propaganda or truce would falter their loyalty to Spain or would move them to surrender. Not even at the cost of losing their lives.

Something noteworthy in the film also is the friendship that developed between Carlos and Bro Carmelo and Carlos with his fellow comrades, Juan, Carvajal and Jose. It gave the viewers an insightful view of how friendships are forged in times of war. Prior to the start of Baler siege, Bro Carmelo noticed Carlos' artistic skills thus commissioned him to paint murals on the church walls. This relieved Carlos of duties to participate in strenuous combat training. Bro Carmelo shared his secret to Carlos in order to survive. The limited opium they smoke every night gave the two new friends an unparalleled strength of suppressing both pain and hunger. Opium addiction enabled them remain strong enough to carry out their tasks. However, when Bro Carmelo suddenly died of beri beri, Carlos was left to fight his demons alone and slowly regained his sanity from opium addiction.

Carlos, a handsome yet naive, artistic yet humble soldier has comrades that were very much like him. They were all inexperienced in war and in life as some never even experienced sleeping with a woman. Juan is a God-fearing boy who believed his lucky crucifix would deliver him from death while Carvajal is gentle to women. Despite their gentle demeanor, war had not been forgiving to both of them. On the other hand, Juan left an impression to the audience when he deserted his comrades after his first taste of battle. He may be dubbed a coward yet he is practical and correct for choosing to life over brutal and inevitable death for a lost cause. "History will remember you as idiots." Juan shouted in tears while convincing his former comrades to surrender.

Mix these characters together one gets a better insight of how the real Spanish soldiers who secluded themselves in Baler worked together to survive. Watching their mechanics and daily routine will allow yourself to feel emphatic of them, admire them or even loathe some of them. Eleven months after defending their fortress and remaining territory against all odds, one will feel so much respect to these soldiers.

This movie was dedicated to the original 33 men who survived the siege of Baler.

Sabado, Hulyo 29, 2017

Dunkirk + WW2 enthusiast millenial me


Ironic as it may seem, I keep finding solace and bewilderment whenever I watch World War II documentaries or war movies. How could someone find peace during the perilous times of war? I cannot explain my happiness every time I watch a certain documentary about World War II either in the European or Pacific theatre.

Last weekend, I watched Christopher Nolan's latest masterpiece "Dunkirk." It was an amazing film that literally took me to the edge of my seat. When the film ended, I wanted to read more about it. The movie Dunkirk portrays the miraculous evacuation of 400,000 British, French and Dutch soldiers from the port of the same title during World War II after the Allied forces were forced to retreat back to Britain upon France's surrender to Nazis. Out 400,000, around 330,000 were safely evacuated despite frequent air raids by the Luftwaffe day and night at seas. 

On some nights, I re-watch documentaries I've already seen before as long as its topic is all about World War II. Last night, I watched a documentary about the forgotten World War II Japanese tunnels of Batanes Island. It instantly added to my bucketlist of historical sights to visit. For the first time also I have seen the underground tunnels built by the Filipino-Americans under the bustling cities of Taguig and Makati pre war. I found out that there was an entrance just across Market Market and I am really excited to see that as well.

I don't know if there are still folks who are this obsessed with learning about war history. 

Sabado, Hunyo 17, 2017

Father's day for a not so fatherly figure

Today marks Father's Day celebration for all the dependable dads out there excluding the dad of my sons. He could only earn the accolade if he would be brave enough to wash my son when they soiled their nappies or give them a bath when they smell pretty bad. Too shallow? You would understand if you would dig deeper.

To give a back story about my son's biological father, he ruined my hope that he will be a good father the day he mocked our first born son, Evo, for not looking like him a couple of weeks after Evo was born. Evo used to have a darker skin tone as compared to him, and honestly speaking Evo, closely resembles me during his first few days of life.

"Hindi ko anak 'yan! Kung anak ko yan bakit hindi ko kamukha?!" He angrily lashed out at my frail self while I was recuperating from my CS operation.

"Pasalamat ka binigyan ko yang anak mo ng apelyido." I cried myself to sleep when he left my mom's apartment. I had been inconsolable the day after that incident. To cut things short, I suffered from Post-partum depression because of him. There was no support, no affection or love seen from a father to his firstborn son seen from him during those first crucial weeks of our son's life. He would provide diapers, immunization expenses, and sometimes formula milk but he would never console Evo when he was colic nor change his soiled nappies after poo or pee.

"Nadidiri ako. Hindi ko trabaho 'yan, gawin mo." If he had no choice, he would just hold Evo's tiny feet as I clean him up or when his mother is around, he'd yell for help. "Mommy! Tulungan mo ako magpalit!"

Six months later after recuperating, I moved back with him in his parents' house. How I wanted to sleep beside our son but he didn't like the idea. He said Evo would be better sleeping beside his mother because she had her room air-conditioned or he cannot sleep beside our child because he might squish our baby from heavy sleeping after being alcohol wasted. Good job, dad! I had no choice but to give in to their wants. From then on, I was separated from my son. I never had the chance to decide for Evo, and I regret that to this day.

There were times when he would feel fatherly that he would take us out for grocery shopping, lunch or dinner with Evo. However, once his mother declines saying our son will get sick if he goes out more often, he simply obeys. After all, it was less of a hassle on his part since he will not tend to a crying baby.

Every night after dinner, instead of helping me put Evo to sleep, he goes out to drink with his different sets of friends: DSWD co-workers, college gang, Rotarians, the list goes on. Sometimes, he takes with them but oftentimes, he wanted it to be an all boys affair. Counting the minutes he spends with Evo on a daily basis back then, it is limited to only 3 hours in total. I was not perfect either but during those crucial moments in my son's life, I was always there for him. I never made him feel unwanted. It was only when his mother took him away from me that I feel defeated. Even though they did not say it, in reality she had competed with me on motherhood; feeling all the more entitled and knowledgeable in taking care of our son to which I surrendered. Feeling hurt every time I see my son not recognizing me nor my scent anymore, I slowly departed and drifted away.

Then came our second son, Tyler. He never wanted Tyler when we found out I was carrying our second child. I became pregnant with Tyler during our most tumultuous time together; when our lovemaking had been from sporadic or nothing to more of a daily basis to cure our depression.

"Ipalaglag mo 'yan! Hindi ko anak 'yan!" He angrily said one night while we were on our way home. I cried hard feeling sorry for being knocked up again. But I wanted this, I wanted Evo to have a brother he can depend on as he walks through life. I endured my first and second trimester of pregnancy being emotionally, physically, and psychologically beaten and tortured by my sons' own father. I cannot leave. I won't leave then because I love him. I can't leave because I cannot leave my son, Evo even though he loves his grandmother more than he has ever loved me.

I will never forget one night he went into my room, deranged. He kicked my thighs which accidentally or intentionally hit my growing belly. He was a monster. I had a feeling back then that he wanted me to suffer miscarriage so the baby and I would die. He bent my knees upward then pressed it against my tummy while my back is lying on the bed. I was overpowered, weak and defenseless from the punches and blows I already had from him. He only stopped when I yelled in pain that my belly hurts. I saw a demon that night, and it was my sons' father. I can take all the physical pain directed at my other body parts but never will I forgive him for threatening our son's life growing inside my womb. I will never forget that including the time he said he will kill Evo if his mother will not learn to love him upon giving birth.

Today, I have seen him change. He has learned to love both Evo and Tyler at the expense of loathing me. I don't care. He feeds them which is his only task for the kids aside from taking them to the mall or other travels. He takes the boys daily on a trip to the public market leaving me at home to tend to other home chores such as cooking their meal. I find it amusing how he has learned to embrace fatherhood albeit not wholeheartedly. He yells at Evo when he's being stubborn and ignores TP when the latter cries profusely. He still thinks of himself at all times but at least he did change from being the monstrous kind of biological father he once was to being a sympathetic one. While he is winning our sons' love, sadly though is that he is also using my kids against me. I often hear him teaching Evo to hate me or exclude me as part of our son's family; that I am just his yaya not his mom. I am his mother for goodness' sake!

You can try winning their hearts and turning me into a monster in their eyes but if our kids will know the truth about you and your family excluding daddy, I don't think our boys will ever respect you. You will never be a good example to our sons. Enjoy your days with them while it lasts.



















Linggo, Mayo 21, 2017

Corregidor: Gibraltar of the East

Corregidor Island formerly known as Fort Mills is one of the 4 islets scattered across Manila Bay. Given its strategic location to spot enemy ships before passing through the country's capital, it was fortified by the USA during the Commonwealth era. Heavy duty guns, mortars, facilities, electricity powered tranvia, military barracks and headquarters were placed in the island amounting to $350,000,000 in investments. It was an island fortress pre World War 2. 

This island was the last military frontline and place in our country to surrender from the invading Japanese Imperial Army. The soil, rocks, and ruins once bear witness to both the Filipino and American soldiers' unfazed heroism to defend our country. Nostalgia overwhelmed me upon setting foot on this sacred grounds.

Corregidor Island is the third World War 2 Memorial I've visited; first one was in Plaza Cuartel, Puerto Princesa City followed by Kundasang War Memorial in Malaysia. Undoubtedly, Corregidor topped my list. From Gen. Douglas MacArthur's famous quote, "I shall return!" πŸ˜Š

75 years after the war, Corregidor sleeps with her ghosts. Its rubble, abandoned guns, and dilapidated ruins lay muted from the horrors of war it once took part in. She stood her ground against the enemies that trampled our sacred shores. She lays in the stillness of the light at day, and darkness by dusk, waiting to be visited by those who have not forgotten her, and her sons.








Miyerkules, Mayo 10, 2017

Cycle

It's a cycle how one day we are close to separating for good then the next day we are back to doing our parental routines. We are civil, or I am civil when it comes to our kids. I am in charge of cooking their lunch and dinner plus personal hygiene, laundry and cleaning the kids' mess. On the other hand, he does the daily trip to the market to buy raw foods for me to cook and occasional grocery shopping for the kids' needs. They drive out at least twice daily to tour around the kids while I stay at the old house guarding the compound while busy with either cooking for doing the laundry. This makes me confused. I feel that I am needed because I am a perfect example of a diligent homemaker, except for rousing early in the morning to feed the kids or prepare breakfast since I have an early morning shift, but aside from that I am restless all throughout the day. I get to spend some alone time only when possible and when I do, I hit the gym or run at the oval across our house.

Below is my normal schedule every weekdays:

4:00-8:30AM - Cold Calling Shift/Homebased Job
8:30-9:00AM - Wash TP once he soiled his nappies, cleaning, folding clothes etc
9:00-9:15AM - Wash feeding bottles & Sterilize it
9:15-10:00AM - Brunch, Me Time to wash my face, brush my teeth clean my dishes
10:00-11;30AM - Prepare lunch (Cook, clean used pots, set the table for 6)
11:30-12:00NN- Sweep the floor/Fix living room
12:00-1:00PM - Lunch time
1:00-1:10PM - Brush Evo & Tyler's teeth
1:10-1:30PM - Put Tyler to sleep
1:30-1:45PM - Me Time. Shower time
1:45-3;30PM - Kids'/TP's Siesta time
3:30-4:00PM - Laundry: My clothes as well as TP's.Evo's and Tope
4:00-5:30PM - Prepare dinner (Cook, clean used pots, clean stove)
5:30-6:15PM - Me Time. Running/Jogging at oval if possible
6:15-6:20PM - Set the Table for dinner
6:20-7:30PM - Dinner time
7:30-8:00PM - Prepare kids for bedtime. Toothbrush. Also throwing out the garbage
8:00-8:30PM - Me Time. Shower. Toothbrush
8:30-10:30PM - TV, Movie, Net surfing, Putting TP to bed
10:30PM-3:50AM - Bed time

Most of the time, I feel more useful than the kids' nanny. She is focused on the kids which is okay with me. I don;t mind doing the dirty works as long as the kids are happy and safe with her. Plus, I feel that if I give her numerous tasks like if we make her cook food for us oftentimes, she might resign, ergo, I try to make her tasks limited and light as possible.

You see how useful I am? I suppose my vital task too is guarding the house. They feel safer leaving the compound when someone is left behind so I am always left behind, aside from other personal reasons. I don't leave the house except for 3 reasons: TVNet tapings which usually take only 40 minutes or I need to run errands or see my mom or sisters, hitting the gym for 2x/week workout, and lastly, running before dinner time at the high school athletic field across the house. I keep wondering what if I leave, who will do all these things to them for free? Daddy? He is supposed to rest only. If he does all these cooking and laundry for his son like he used to when my husband was younger, daddy will be exhausted. I don't mind doing these chores anyway since it keeps me busy. It keeps all the stressful thoughts away not to mention it makes me active and lose excess weight. I wish!


Martes, Mayo 2, 2017

Hayaan mo akong mamuta... (A Womanizer's Poem)

Sa halimuyak mo ako'y wala ng gana..
Mga mata ko'y hindi na nahahalina
Ni ang haplusin ang makinis mo pigi,
O dampian ng halik ang iyong sabik na labi,

Hindi ko na magawa pa...

Lumipas na iyong ganda..
Buhat ng ika'y magbuhat ng bata
Bakit ba tayo'y nagpatali pa,
Sa simbaha'y nagpakasal at nanumpa..

Gayong ako'y makisig at batang-bata pa..

Sabi ng aking kaibigan sa esposo niyang seaman,
"Mahal, umuwi kang walang sakit, h'wag mo akong hahawahan."
Nakakainggit naman nais kong pamarisan
Sapagkat ang kabiyak ko ay lagi ako kung pigilan..

Tali lang ako sa batas, ang ibang babae saki'y walang ligtas..

Alak dito, puta doon; kembot pa dito at indayog
Namumukadkad ang mga hita, mga dibdib na anong kay lalambot..
Oh, magandang puta, itayo mo ang nanamlay na batuta ko
Lasapin ang pagsamyong papagod sa'yo...

Buhay ng aking asawa, sa'yo'y iaalay ko, pasayahin mo lang ako..

Lalaki ako at kagalang-galang sakin ang mamuta
Hindi ko kailangan ang permiso mo o pangungunsensya
Regalo ako ng Maykapal sa mga kababaihan,
Mapalad ka sa akin o misis magpakaylan man...


Iyak mo, Jo sakin ay walang epekto..
Nananawa na ako sa piling mo
Hayaan mo na lang na magpakasaya ako
Dahil pagdating ng umaga, sa'yo pa rin naman ang uwi ko...


(A synthesized poem depicting my husband's drinking and womanizing that drove me into a deep depression. Circa 2011-2012)



I don't nag. I write.

After losing all my respect to Fold, I realized that I may have another purpose in life aside from seeing to it that my children are in good shape....annoy him to death. It gives me solace seeing him furious, deteriorating, dying. He thinks he is suffering right now when it actually isn't enough to repay the damage he did to me. When I still love him, I held back on telling people what kind of hell I have been through with him. But not anymore. When I lost the last ounce of love I have had for fold, I also lost the need to protect him despite the fact that he remains the father of my children.

He left for Lucena City last Sunday so new room was empty. No fold. Then I felt sorry for my baby who was dripping wet with sweat. Summer heat was unforgiving that night so I texted my psychotic spouse that we need to transfer to the AC room. I packed and carried everything: milk, nappies, milk bottle, and TP. When we reached the room on the 2nd floor, it was locked. I made a serious effort to bring those things but he was so rude not to inform me that he had locked it. I went berserk. No more little nice girl. After getting back to the kids' playroom I sent him hate messages which obviously shook his core. I was crying while carelessly typing everything. It felt like I was shouting at the top of my lungs when I was actually just typing, blogging. I felt relieved afterwards. Though I did not nag, my provocative words sent the message loud and clear...I'm fed up of him.

I'm fed up of being used and abused. I'm fed up of being physically, emotionally, psychologically, mentally, financially, and socially tormented by him. It's been 10 long, agonizing years that I have put up with a douche bag named fold. I wasted my youth, career, love, life to an undeserving faggot who believes true love should be reciprocated by alcoholism, violence, womanizing, and abusive behavior. Disrespect it the road to ruin.

I am what you made me. This is the outcome of the years of emotional turmoil and psychological battery you caused me. My breathing will no longer be stifled, and this is my karmic relief. You deserve every karma that slaps you hard in the face, bitch. I loathe you, Fold with every air that I breathe. 






Huwebes, Abril 27, 2017

They took my son from me

I wasn't allowed to do many things when my estranged husband and I cohabited. I can't even play a friggin music to jam or dance. So many things I was never allowed to do because we lived with my in laws. Our marriage has been doomed since day 1 because of this. I love my father in law, but it's a different thing when family and married life is involved. My mother in law took my son from me despite knowing how attached we were to each other.

Miyerkules, Abril 5, 2017

What people don't know

What you don't know won't hurt you but what you don't know also confuses you. When people know nothing, they fabricate, point fingers and judge.

For years, I had kept quiet regarding the complicated predicament I am deeply tangled in. I am not an open book. I don't need to explain myself to everyone who tries to ask. I believe they are either feigning to sound concern but deep down they just want to gossip or judge.

"You wouldn't last a minute in my shoes." 

That statement resounds in my mind every time I think about how I was able to put up with such an abusive relationship.

I used to be a passionate, optimistic and very much driven to achieve my goals and dreams. I always wanted to be a national TV news anchor who eventually become a lawyer in time. I was ambitious but never an opportunist. Then I met him. He was disguised as a humble, funny, and intelligent gentleman who devoted his time for me. He is from an affluent family and was fond of showing off. After months of courtship, I fell in love.

Abuse started as early as our second year. When I told him I wanted to take up Law, he knocked me down saying, "Hindi ka naman ganon katalino bakit ka maglalaw school?" or "We will break up if you leave for law school." Being in love, I gave up everything for him while he on the other hands just used me to feed his ego and insecurities.

Fast forward to me getting knocked up on our 4th year together. One fine afternoon, he opened up to me how much he wanted to give his parents a grandchild since they are both senior citizens now. He was a bum which irritates his mother and younger sister so the escape goat he sees is giving them an apo. I was surprised but ignorant. I didn't take care of myself so 5 months later, I got pregnant. I wasn't ready but I prepared myself for motherhood when we found out I was pregnant. I do love Tope yet I was scared because he is not the type who takes huge responsibilities while I on the other hand do not earn enough. They agreed that we will get married. The catch? Julianne, his law student sister made Tope promise that we are to sign an ante nuptial agreement.

I didn't know how to respond. I sacrificed my life, career, everything for his brother only to be treated this way? I am to become a mother, a house wife with no guarantee of any future. I handed my savings to Tope, a total of P110,000.00 to contribute for our wedding expenses when he should have shouldered everything, I was never extravagant. I never wanted fancy things yet I was devastated to know his sister really believed I was after their money. With a heavy heart and uncertain future, I signed it.

Written is Conjugal Partnership of Gains agreement with specifications of separate agreements mostly. I am the losing party at this having nothing to bring in our married life. How can I contribute anything when I gave up my career for him? In this agreement, if Tope and I separate, we will only split our conjugal shares and fruits of our separate properties. However, based on our CPG documents, either of us too ill not benefit from the fruits of our periphernal possessions.

I could not believe someone could be so obsessed with their earthly possessions and money. Is $5-8M of savings in different banks and couple more millions of inherited real estate properties suffice enough to ruin a decent person's dignity?

Their actions awaken something in me. It made me indifferent, unsecured and persistent on working hard to earn for my future despite being married. Nalugmok ako.... Sa kabila ng lahat ng effort, gastos ko for these 2 siblings, ako pa pala ang mukhang pera. Napakamatapobre nila.....



Biyernes, Marso 31, 2017

Enemy at the Gates was my first love

I know people find it odd when a woman is really enthusiastic about war documentaries most especially the World War 2 sort. It has been decades past since the war ended and all the Allied powers, Soviets, the Germans have peacefully united now in a way. What really peaked my interest was a bit eccentric as well.

I used to have a grandpa who served as a scout during the WW2 here in the Philippines. He fought alongside the Americans against the feisty Japanese Imperial Army. He was 18 when he was drafted. I am not aware of any formal training he had since his part was mainly to construct airfields and trenches which were necessary during the war. He was one of those mighty individuals who constructed the Lipa Airbase based in Lipa, Batangas. According to my papa, while grandpa was busy flattening the ground along with his other co-workers, their names were taken by an American private. Their names were recorded and little did they know that they would become one of the war veterans once the war in the Pacific was over. I can't say if mamay did see some action but I know his contributions in the war was also notable. They were more involved in the strategics, laying out the plans, and preparations for the war. And I am proud of mamay for that.

What really peaked my interest was when I was 15 and busy skimming TV channels at home while on a school lunch break, I came across a certain movie at HBO. The scene was quite intense. A young male soldier was trapped behind a small steel cabinet in an abandoned factory because an unseen sniper patiently awaits to shoot him. The trapped soldier was covered with filth all over his face yet you can still see how incredibly defined his features were. He has the bluest eyes, beautiful lips, and incredulously most handsome face I have ever seen. He tried to retrieve his sniper gun by throwing a Swiss knife tied to a string so he can pull his gun to his hiding spot but to no avail. Before his gun could reach any further, the thin string was shot by his unseen death dealer. When all hope seemed lost for Mr. Handsome, my favorite actress from The Mummy & The Mummy Returns' Rachel Weisz came to help him. I think they were a couple. In the next scene, the two outsmarted their opponent by using shards of broken glasses to blind the sniper with the glasses' bright reflection buying the handsome soldier some time to shoot him back and escape. Just when the scenes get more and more interesting, I had to hurry back to school. I just took the title of the film so I can check when it will be played again in HBO. It's "Enemy at the Gates."

Imagine how ecstatic I was when I saw it's next airing schedule and I was able to watch the movie from start to finish! I know nothing about Stalingrad or how ruthless the Soviets were to their own soldiers, "No retreat. No surrender or you will die in your own fellow Soviet soldier's hands." Their insufficient arms and supplies didn't also go unnoticed. The movie was loosely based on the Russian hero Vassili Zaitsev. In the film, he was a young shepherd from the Yural mountains who was trained by his grandfather to shoot as a boy. I had been head over heels with Tanya (Rachel Weisz) and Vassili (Jude Law) love story. From the first day he had met her on board a train en route to Stalingrad, he has already fallen in love with her. With that impeccable beauty, who won't be? I loved how the film was able to balance the battle scenes, cat and mouse chase hunt and romance all at the same time. Tanya and Vassili's steamy love scene (albeit cut when shown in HBO) had been really unforgettable. The thrill of getting caught by their comrades while these 2 lovebirds were at it undeniably stirred the audience emotions as well. I saw the uncut version in 2010, 6 years after watching this movie first in 2004.

From then on, I realized how much I enjoy watching war movies either historically accurate or loosely based with a little or passionate romance added to it. This is just my favorite plot! I started reading books with subjects about World War 1 or World War 2 stories as well. I keep hoping too that someday they will turn one of my favorite book, The Man from St. Petersburg by Ken Follet into a motion picture as well. Of course no other person could portray its protagonist Feliks better than Jude Law as well. :)










Biyernes, Marso 10, 2017

Linkin Park was my high school hero!


While picking up our kids at prep school, I got a chance to chat with my guy classmate from grade school to high school. We both took a leave from law school to focus on our wee ones. He's still that funny and bubbly guy who's a good friend to everyone. We talked about the funniest and most unforgettable high school moments from gaming, booze, love teams or just them boys being boys. 

I kinda wondered why I didn't ever have any moment akin to that to which he bluntly replied, "Because you were a real life nerd since we're kids that's why you never had a love life back then. Hahaha!" πŸ˜‹Ouchies. He went on to add, "Even in college, you were still a little nerdy that only the nerd ones would also pursue you." 😝 That's a little harsh but I'm not offended 'cause yes, I'm a nerd. In fact, I'm a proud nerd! 😁

I'm a proud nerd who's memorized every lyrics of my favorite rock band Linkin Park. I'm a proud nerd who didn't experience taming that raging teenage hormones similar to a cat in heat. I'm a proud nerd who would dump any suitor because none of them looked like Mike Shinoda or Jude Law (also because I find the idea of having a boyfriend in high school icky). I'm a proud nerd who believed in penpal writing. I'm a proud nerd who had her first πŸ’” because my Macedonian-Aussie penpal did not love me back. Yep, that was the high school me, and Linkin Park was always there for me. 

I actually have a song pick from their album for every mishap or happy moments I've had in my chaotic high school life. When papa punished me for refusing to attend their church service, I sang "Runaway" because at that time that's what I really wanted to do. Every time I get fed up of pleasing my parents who only see me as the family's black sheep despite my accomplishments, "Pushing me away", and "Breaking the Habit", comforted me. I remember repeatedly writing the lyrics of "Numb" from their Meteora album in my journal to deafen the sound of the skirmish-like homily at my parents' church while hot tears incessantly fall from my eyes. When I first felt infatuated at the tender age of 14, it was with an Engineering freshman, a guy who's 4 years older than me all because he was singing "In the End."πŸ˜„ I never saw him again after our cotillion dance, 3 days after he sang M. Shinoda's rap part. 

I miss my old self - weird, reserved, full of teen angst, and just plain dorky. But who cares? I can still sing to the top of my lungs all the Linkin Park songs from my favorite album "Hybrid Theory." I'm a proud nerd who can rock Linkin Park songs like no one else can! πŸ˜‰ BTW, I love Papercut, Numb, In the End, Breaking the Habit and Runaway.