Depressing 32nd Week

My thoughts have been restless during my 8th gestation month. Trevor's daddy (Yes, this is the first time I'm announcing my baby's name in public. And no, I didn't copy that from kinchuy's leading man in "My Binondo Girl"!) made me cry plenty times during that month & worse I even felt dizzy from excessive crying in one of those instances. I felt really bad having no one else to cry on but myself.

I reckon putting my thoughts into writing when I got really mad at him for saying the most horrible thing a father would tell his own child. I saw myself packing up my things, planning to move out but hesitated because I have nowhere else to go. I have no one else to run to. I can't go back to my mom. I cannot tell her if there's anything wrong going on with me & my husband. I left my notebook in the office so I took his old blue notebook and scribbled my thoughts in it. With trembling hands and watery eyes, I poured all my emotions there. I prayed later, still crying my heart out. I never expected that that particular day which started with a spiritual meeting could end badly just because of his stupid and insensitive mouth. After praying, I was able to sleep peacefully.

The second time I cried was because he did something crazy that made me feel cheated. It was intended for a friend but still he was the one who planned for the whole thing to happen. He knows pretty damn well what could offend me yet pursues on doing all of it. I hope I could learn to get even but I can't and won't for our child's sake. Again, I turned into writing and prayers to ease my heavy load. I always have to be the understanding one despite the fact that he's slowly turning my life into a piece of rubble.

I hope he starts to act his age. I hope he'll learn that saying sorry cannot always make things okay like the way they were. I hope he realizes soon that every single mistake he commits could leave a dent in my heart. He better love and care more for his family than himself because anytime soon I will risk my life just to give him our child. In case I die doing so, I wouldn't be at peace in the next life knowing he'll be the only one left to take care of my son.

I love him, but I must love my little Trevor Vincent more.

(September 15, 2012)