2) I constantly feel hurt for no apparent
reason, just me and my thoughts. Looking back at my family's
misfortunes, my early pregnancy while trying to reach my goals, and his
stupid past make me feel upset. I want to get back to all the people who
had hurt me, my family and then push them off the cliff one by one
saving those biatches for last to savor their slow, painful and morbid
demises. How do I get rid of that feeling? I badly want to get my
revenge that I couldn't stop thinking about it sometimes. In order to
forget the emotional pain once any of these thoughts occurred to me, I
would bite my hand so hard, so painful that physical pain takes over.
Now, that is not normal. Sorry my guardian angel, I just can't help it
sometimes having no one to talk to about these things.
3)
I avoid eating carbs as much as possible. I am very much inclined to
regain my pre-pregnancy weight the soonest time possible. I have
actually considered not eating at all but just live on fluids to fill my
hunger. Unfortunately, I am a nursing mother so I cannot do that. What
nutrients Evo would get from my milk if I give up eating real foods? I
just cut down my food intake and resume to my initial plan the moment
Evo gets fed up from my breast milk like when? Maybe after a year or so.
4)
I easily cow down at criticisms about my figure or my appearance
especially when it comes from my husband. He'd say nasty things like,
"You're still fat.", "Your underarms are still dark.", "Your hair's a
mess." Worse, when he sees pretty girls he will praise them straight in
my face! Gah! He loves making me feel so damn terrible I had to slap his
flabby arms just to make him shut up. Why can't you just pretend saying
I'm still pretty and all until my hormones normalize and I get back
into my old self? I guess his rants somehow paid off because from after
birth weight of 127lbs 3 months ago, I am now 113lbs according to Tope's
reading from the kiddie weighing scale. As for my uneven colored
armpits and messy hair, I'll just wait for my hormones to get back into
normal (I cannot use whitening products since I am breastfeeding) and
let hair stylists work on with the latter problem.
5)
I now complain about my work. I feel like leaving work since some of
the new employees are ill-mannered and disrespectful. They invaded my
territory and even displayed scandalous actions within the office
premises but the management, instead of doing immediate actions, only
ignored it. I don't like the changes that happened to the company I had
loved in my three months of absence. But what stops me from resigning is
this: where will I go after here? I cannot just leave Evo and work
alone in Manila or Lipa. Three years I endured, not complained and
worked hard, now all gone. I even got hitched unexpectedly because I
stayed here -- (I am not complaining about my new family, just stressing
the sacrifices I made for this company). Not being promoted, feeling
belittled, not having my pay adjusted, not being respected by the
clerks, being envied by others so I'll be forced to work on a Saturday
and not having my hardworking sister absorbed in the admin added to this
animosity I now have towards the management.
6)
I kept thinking about law school. The resentment I feel towards my work
now made me think that I am not meant to be just an employee after all.
I just graduated MBA, no stir but surprisingly with jaw-dropping grades
and if it weren't for Evo I might have been already enrolled in BL last
first semester. I want to enroll but I fear what has become of my brain
after going through total anesthesia for a major surgery -- (after cs
operation that is). My brain is not as sharp as before anymore. I forget
about small things, think less rationally and I can no longer memorize
quickly. I know the difficulties that Bunik experiences as a law student
that oftentimes I feel discouraged. But then at the back of my mind my
thoughts would say, "You finished Pol Sci to gear up for law school,
remember?" Okay, now who will take care of the tuition fees and Evo? Can
my tarnished brain take it?
7) I always tell
myself to appreciate what I have, to find bliss in what I have been
blessed, forgive and forget and most importantly to accept my fate. But
telling myself these things doesn't mean I believe all of it. I want to
believe it all and live by all of it. Problem is, I am just too stubborn
to take things positively, love life and not dwell on the past anymore
because wrong decisions in the past had deprived me and my family a
better life. I could have been a jovial, far from being the melancholic
person that I am if not for my parents chosen sect, the greedy
opportunists they entertained and the suffocating authoritative type of
discipline they implemented in our family. If such bad decisions didn't
happen, maybe my family still have a good life not struggling to
survive; maybe I am dentist or a full time law student by now, not just
an average employee who had to endure being a working student in college
to have monthly allowances. This time, I would tell myself again not to
commit the same mistakes that they did before. I would agree and
believe in it, but I cannot stop myself from not doing it. Because right
now, these things that I am doing, this post-partum depression I am
having, these are the first steps toward committing the same mistakes
over and over again.
(I don't want to strain my relationship with my husband and son. Please help me get through this.)
(January 9, 2012)
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